"What's chess? " 

i just reply "i m learning".

If they're looking for an explanation, I usually just say, "There's Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced, Expert, and Titled Master. I'm in the _____ range."

I screech and bite them in the arm.

I recommend an actual bowl of Cheerios as a more placating compensation.

why bite thenm

Why not?

What are you doing with your life?

Yeh I tend to say I am pretty good, nothing much else

At one point, if a chessplayer was asking I used to say that I had a provisional OTB USCF rating of 2350. That seemed to upset aome people, so I went to saying that I have no rating. When pressed further I would say that I used to have a BCF rating equivalent of 2350. That would lead to an overly long discussion about my chessplaying history in England. Nowadays I just say I am unrated. That has caused a couple of 2300+ players to want to play a casual game to show me how good they are. I really hate the whole discussion as I just like to play good chess.

It's all about perspective. The vast majority of people in the world who say they like to play chess do not know how to play chess correctly. The average player on here (about 1350) can beat the snot out of these people OTB. And these people will commonly see you as a "master."

So, my answer is usually, "I'm a low intermediate player," in an attempt to help them see my chess playing strength and theirs in a more accurate way.

"I play a lot.  My mother says too much."

Which is relevant in my opinion, because many base skill off of practice.  And I say that thing about my mom (which is also true), because it's funny and makes them think that I am messing around.

Unless those people are long time friends and we long pass this type of mine is longer, in which case i would say i am nothing special or smarter, but i know this and that , which is true (but for now ;]) i would usually say i am pretty damn good and actual expert/master (which is overstatement, but not for them, usually they say i am that good (some low rated) I can say also that  i can smash anyone , even random people on street or guys who are considered smart with very high IQ  - Somehow we have to make all that time wasted on chess to do good for us xD

yeah pretty good , i like it actually , but that can  be true also for 1400 or for 1800 rated.

"By most people's standards I am brilliant.  To serious chess players I am okay, but nothing special. To IMs and GMs I am just weak"