What is the best opening for a one-off game?

Isn’t it odd how customary behaviour in one country can be seen as peculiar in other cultures?  In a recent Gods of Chess International Masters event in Kazhakstan I had barely finished sacrificing my lucky sheep before I was deported – I hadn’t even played a single move!   Unbeknownst to me Kazhaki law clearly states that animals offered for sacrifice must be properly dressed (in the clothes of a lady).

Another case in point: when I play in tournaments in my beloved Welsh homeland when it is the other guy’s move and he is taking proper ages I often juggle the captured pieces to help pass the time;  to give him a subtle hurry up and to improve my manual dexterity with the pieces (you can never be too manually dextrous to play this great game). 

Now I did this in last month’s Beijing Behemoths of the Board Round Robin.  I was playing Ding Dong in the final.  I slipped him a right good counter intuitivismism and he was becalmed in thought.   I’d done just one high throw with a spin and catch when I was sentenced to death.

Apparently in Chinese jurisprudence juggling isn’t a hobby like it is in Wales - no,  it’s legally a disease which is deemed highly contagious.  In Chinese law juggling is catching!  Punishable by death.

My last request is to play one final game of chess before my stoning. 

But which opening should I choose for my final game?  Which one would you play?

If you were in Japan I'd suggest the Seppuku, but given that you are in China...

 I chose Seppuku for my last meal.

If White: 1.f4     2.g4

If Black: 1..f5     2..g5

You could call it suicide.

Simple to remember. Ignore what your opponent plays, what do they know?

CYMRU AGUS ALBA AM BYTH...Can't do better than opening with Scotch!

Doesn't matter what you play, but you have to lose on time... every second helps.

PS. Do you know whether they allow spectators? (for the stoning, not the chess)

why were you sentenced to death for catching juggling

Ding Dong was the man from Ding Dang I imagine?

0r if wrong  try Pyonyang, by Taedong.

But why me I've got so much to live for

Whichever opening takes the longest. Try something very simple, like 1.b3

What about the Von Hennig-Schara gambit? Alekhine whipped it out once in 1931, and absolutely annhilated Pirc with it.

Little Known Fact: Seppuku (best served cold, BTW) was created by Iron Chef and Shogi 8-dan Master, Dai-Suki (no relation to Dai Young).

Later on, his favorite opening sequence was named after this dish which involved deep penetration to one side, then a quick sweep across the middle, opening up the center.

It was a very dramatic maneuver and often considered suicidal, but the impact usually had his opponent resign in shock.

In your situation my opening move would be to crack my opponent across the head with the board and follow up with a table sweep to ward off any on-rushers