haha
What's the quickest way to get a title?
I can't quote right now, since I'm on a tablet, but as far as I can tell you don't get registered with FIDE until you play in a FIDE rated tournament. My son, who has never played in a FIDE rated tournament isn't registered, or at least he isn't on their site. I am, apparently, from one quick tournament where I played as a house player.
You could also pay people to play under your name. For example some poor russian GMs could come to the European "open" type tournaments, where no one knows their face, register to the tournament under your name (we don't have passport checks here in the registration process) and FIDE ID and get you quickly a decent rating, which will lead to FIDE FM title (automatically granted at 2300 FIDE ELO). Tell him not to win any prizes, otherwise someone might recognize him on photos ("Hey, this is not John Smith from NY, this is Igor Schachmatowsky from Archangelsk !!").
What will this cost ? Let's say 1000 € for travel costs, 500 € for the hotel, another 1000 € as "salary" for his efforts, makes 2500 € per tournament. You'd need 2-3 tournaments to get the ELO, so the title could be yours for under 10k €. The downside is that you shouldn't ever play OTB tournament games with your real name or ID, it's suspicious if a 2300ish player starts losing to 1900s all the time.
And ofc. FIDE won't be amused, if they find out ;)
Yeah, that is cheating
my way you get to keep your title ...