Why aren't bishops called gurus, rabbis or mullahs?

He's called a bishop in Portuguese, and Japanese and Korean have borrowed the English name. I don't know of any others. In many languages he's called an officer.

He's also a bishop in Irish Gaelic and Latin.

Rooks are chariots in a few languages, in Hindi they're elephants. Most languages call them towers. In Russian they are either ships or towers. Thai also calls them ships, Bulgarian calls them cannons.

Springer, Løper, Konge, Dronning, Tårn, og Bonde.

My pieces aren't happy. They usually die.

In Greece, a Bishop can also be called "Crazy" (Τρελός)

all chess pieces should be called the same thing and have exactly the same powers; it's the only fair way. why should one be privileged over another? there should be no checkmate. the pieces simply stand in a circle on the board and contemplate the perfect equality of it

In serbian lovac(hunter)

Lol ok and why does the king have a cross on the top and not a half-moon(muslim), a star of david(jewish) or a pentagram(occult) ? And why do the white pieces have a first move advantage over the black pieces, white being the superior attackers where the black men have to defend and try to equalize (=become equal) ? Why are there 2 male bishops and no female, shouldn't one of the bishops get bewbs ? And shouldn't a certain percentage of the pawns be disabled (being able to move only 1 square from the initial position instead of 2) ? etc.

i forgot to say that the official grek name for Bishop is "Αξιωματικός" (=Officer)

That's shared with a lot of languages. Officer is an alternate name in Russian, among others.

Actually not as many as I thought. The only others I've found are Albanian and Bulgarian.

And one I missed earlier, he's a bishop in Iceland too.

And they should move simultaneously!  No one shlould enjoy the unfair advantage of moving first.

no, this is what humor looks like when it is funny and true

"Can we come up with a modern term for castling?"

Bunker

No this is what sarcasm looks like when you remove the phony part

And the same one's in danish. Ill translate them

Pawn = bonde = peasant

Rock = tårn = tower

Knight = springer = jumper

Bishop = løber = runner

King and Queen are the same, Konge and Dronnign which mean King and Queen.

In keeping more in line with modern reality, the royal pieces shouldn't be on the board; they should be on their own private boards, where they can golf and flyfish without fear of attack. 

 I guess a witch doctor is just an ordinary witch with a PhD.. .. just saying.. 

I could be wrong...... who knows!?

I have never came across a thread as stupid as this one lol. Why the hell do you care? It is the name of a piece in a board game, how can this impact your life so much that you feel the need to waste time complaining about it? Really you should find a hobby. Here is an idea!!! Why dont you play chess instead of complaining about it!!!