You might not be a chess player if...

You don't think they look at all like prawns.

...if you think 'Capablanca' is a misspelling of the famous movie...

If you have muscular calves as Mom drops you off at the club but won't pick you up unless you win.

...if you spend more time typing than you do moving pieces.

if you make ten moves at once on  the OTB board and call it premoving

you think isolani is a sausage

If you do not Flirt with your opponent ( If he/she is of Opposite Sex )

if you think there should be chess DLC with hundreds of new pieces, 3 dimensions and the pawns have AK47s 

... you think bishops are more valuable than rooks coz they are taller.

Why can't I make my Prawn into another King Prawn?

You move with one hand and hit the clock with the other.