mykingdomforanos,
You say: "mating Kings just sounds so gay, unless you're a bird."
I am trying to be polite, but my patience is sorely tested. So I will be blunt.
If you do not accept the objectives of chess - to mate the King and win - please play another game like Scrabble, where the winner is the player with the most points!
That would depend on which position you are in.