Funny... You name it

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Someday you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.

I would call my fashion style “clothes that still fit.”

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job on the road crew, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I never argue, I just explain why I’m right.

If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Fair warning: I know karate. …and some other words.

True friendship: Walking into a person’s house and having your Wi-Fi connect automatically.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.

I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

If you’re looking for a present for me, I take a size large briefcase in hundred dollar bills.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes!

I have three kids and no money. Why I can’t I have no kids and three money?

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of car payments.

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I named my dog “6 Miles” so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.\\

Notice:: I will post more later

more plz