Jokes Eternity

oll

lol

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Respect others. Do not be mean.

friend: where do you live?

me: with my parents.

friend: where does your parents live?

me: with me.

friend: where do you all live?

me: together.

friend: where is your house?

me: next to my neighbor's house.

friend: where is your neighbor's house?

me: you won't believe me if I tell you.

friend: tell me!

me: next to me.

My favorite in this thread

which one was your joke

#37

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

Did you know?

Vampires suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the sun themselves... do you ever think about that? NO! YOU ONLY THINK ABOUT YOURSELF

So true! I'm a really selfish person!

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second dog owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.”

lo

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day [SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH] ,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week [THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK], eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.” 

LUL

how is that a joke?

You don't get it? Well too bad.

My husband is Jewish. I know -- a Catholic and a Jew, right? Our kids are gonna be cashews.

My own joke:

Mom: Alcohol is your enemy

Jesus: Love your enemies

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. 
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am." 
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me." 
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."