The History Of Chess

Since its conception in 1274 BCE by radical liberals in San Francisco, CA, chess has experienced a rich and interesting history. I must preface this by saying, it hasn’t been a nice one. Chess has built itself a nasty reputation of destruction. 
Our story begins at the start of the Gregorian calendar, year 0. Legend has it the man himself, Jesus Christ, that is, died after playing a game of chess vs Moses. He was so shocked at his blunder and subsequent loss, that he passed out and died on the spot. The rest is history. After that incident, chess became outlawed throughout the Middle East, however over in Imperial China, emperors and peasants alike enjoyed this intricate game. 

In 783, on the day Confucius died, it is said by historians that the master philosopher died after tripping on a rogue bishop piece. The owner of the chess set raged after a loss to his son, and threw the pieces onto the street. It so happens that at the same time, Confucius was taking a brisk stroll down the street. One thing led to another and our hero tripped on the bishop and cracked his skull open. Imagine the world if we still had Confucius. Maybe we’d be more advanced. 
Fast forward to the Roman Empire. It is a widely known fact that Constantinople fell because Rome’s emperor lost a wager to the Mongols that he could beat Genghis Khan at chess. Obviously, the Roman emperor lost, so Khan sent his mongols on a ruthless attack on the capitol. 
Now let’s move towards the Black Death in the 1700s. Forensic evidence tells us that this disease started because someone shoved an infected Rook into their anus for self pleasure. This infection led to the birth of one of the worlds most deadly diseases. 
Now in the 20th Century, we all know the real reason why the World Wars began. It was because Gary Kasparov lost to Magnus Carlson. This loss upset the European nations so much they declared war on the world. 
Now in the 21st Century, we know that Covid began with the unearthing of an ancient chess set from the 9th century. This chess set carried a variety of unknown and deadly pathogens. This led to the infamous covid pandemic. 
As you can see, chess has built a name for itself. A name of destruction and rampage. 

Please correct and revise me if I am incorrect. Thank you 😊 

Excuse me sir, but do you hold a doctorate degree in historiography from Harvard? Didn’t think so. I flaunt mine around beaches and I get flocks of girls asking me for my number and such. I seriously recommend getting a degree from Harvard. It turns you into a chick magnet. I think some chicks is what you’re lil cucky butt needs. 

You forgot the major contributions from the franks and the Ralphs and the m and the Griffins.

Hit the wrong button- the Franks, Ralphs, Mervs and Griffiths.

Confucius