The Trolling Tree

Once there was a tree…

and she loved to troll.

And every day a little boy would come

who also liked to troll

and he would sit atop her branches

and throw rotten apples at the passers-by.

He would dig holes in the ground

and cover them with her leaves and twigs

and wait.

And they would both laugh when people fell in.

And when he had to get away from angry victims,

he would climb up her trunk and hide.

And the boy loved the tree…

very much.

And the tree was happy.

But time went by,

and the boy changed.

And the tree was disappointed.

Then one day the boy came to the tree

and the tree said, “Hey buddy!

Great to see you back! Come on -

get on a branch

and let’s throw apples at some motherf**kers!”

“I can’t do that,” said the boy.

“My teacher says it’s not nice.”

“That’s bullshit,” said the tree.

“Tell ya what – take some of my apples

and bake your teacher a nice apple pie.

Make sure to add lots of vinegar and hot sauce

and other gross sh*t you can find.

When you give it to her

tell her you’re real thankful she taught you

not to be mean to people and sh*t

and you’ll never do it again.”

And so the boy climbed up the tree

and gathered her apples

and carried them away.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time…

And the tree grew increasingly concerned.

And then one day the boy came back

and the tree breathed a sigh of relief

and she said, “Didn’t expect to see you here today boy!

So ya finally got time to hang out

And find some more people to troll?”

“I can’t do that,” said the boy.

“My boss says I have to stop fooling around

and put more effort into my work,” he said.

“Or else he’s going to fire me.”

“F*ck him,” said the tree.

“I know just how to deal with these uptight pricks.

Cut off my branches

then sneak to his house at night

and use them to block his front door and driveway.

The next day, when he arrives late to work

you’ll already be there

And you can tell him he’s a f*cking hypocrite.”

And so the boy cut off her branches

and waited until dusk

to carry them away.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time.

And when he came back,

the tree could sense

that something was terribly wrong.

“Great to see you back.

So… ya wanna do some trolling today?”

She asked tentatively.

“No,” said the boy.

“I’m done with trolling.

I’ve realized that it’s just a horrible waste

Of my time and energy for nothing.

I need to reform myself,

And, from now on, live a righteous life.

I came here to say goodbye.”

“Well… I’m glad

you’re making such a responsible decision,” said the tree.

“Maybe I can help you one last time,

if only to make up

for misguiding you all the way up till this point.

To live a righteous life

You need to have a career,

And being a carpenter,

Like another righteous man –

you know who I’m talking about –

certainly isn’t the worst place to start.

Cut down my trunk

And use it to start off your business.”

And so the boy cut down her trunk

and said his farewells and left.

And the tree was happy for him

… but not really.

And after a long time

The boy came back again.

“Greetings, my old friend!” said the tree.

“Enjoying your new reformed lifestyle?”

“In the beginning I did,” said the boy.

“Then I got sick of being righteous.

I couldn’t resist leaving a few screws loose

on the bookshelves I made, or a few splinters

here and there on my chairs.

As you can imagine,

my business quickly went downhill

as the complains kept coming in.

And you know what?

I didn’t give a damn.

After all these years, I’ve finally figured out

that I just can’t change.

I was born to troll.”

“There’s my old buddy!” said the tree.

“I’m so glad to see you back again!

But unfortunately

I don’t have any more apples

to bake into pies or throw at people.”

“I’m too old for that kind of stuff,” said the boy.

“I don’t have branches

to blockade your boss’s house with.”

“That’s alright,” said the boy.

“I’m unemployed anyway.”

“And I don’t have a trunk,” said the tree.

“That you can use to make shoddy furniture.”

“At this point, anybody with half a brain

knows better than to buy furniture from me,” said the boy.

“Look – I don’t need any of that stuff.

I just need ideas.

New, innovative ways to troll

that nobody’s ever tried before.

Think you could help me?” The boy asked.

“Oh, hell yeah!” said the tree, with a mischievous grin.

“I may just be an old stump now,

But my mind’s still sharper than the axe you used

to cut me down with.

Come here – take a seat, and listen carefully.”

And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

nice

Interesting. How dare you leave us hanging like that. What were the devious plans the tree had?

Once there was a man...

and he loved to troll.

This man was macer's father!

Well... you can use your imagination to fill them in.

lol

Why, thank you! My only question is, though... on your profile it says you joined on Dec. 13, 2014... so how would you know how good of a troll I was when I first registered?

So what was your first account?

lol ditto

Well... that was random...

^^My thoughts exactly. 

how does that work?