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Its my birthday today so I thought I'd tell you a story. Being born near to Christmas has its benefits and drawbacks. One of the drawbacks is that you tend to get a combined Birthday and Christmas present, but the benefit is that the present tends to be a good one.
Last year, I was bought a fantastic mountain bike. 15 speed gears, aerodynamic frame, titanium bottom bracket. The works. I was really looking forward to riding it that night and was excitedly telling my best friend at work, Rob, about it. He suddenly looked at me and said 'Oh no! I forgot to tell you. Sue (his wife) wanted you to come to one of her workmate's pre-christmas party with us and Lucy (his daughter). She seems to think you're made for each other'.
I was intrigued. 'Well ok then, where is it at?' I asked.
'Don't worry about that, we'll pick you up about 7.30', he said.
The thing was, I wanted to ride my new bike there. Eventually I persuaded Rob to let me go on my own and he got the address from Sue.
I turned up at the party about 8pm. Rob, Sue and Lucy were already there. Sue came over beaming. 'I want to introduce you!' She exclaimed. Taking me by the hand she lead me in the direction of of a young woman who was already in a conversation. As we approached, she turned to face us. My breath was literally taken away. She was stunning. Her eyes sparkled and her mouth broke into a broad smile as she took my hand. 'This is who I was telling you about', Sue said to her, then turned and walked away.
'Hi. What's your name?' , she asked.
'Mxdplay4'. I replied.
'That's an unusual name.'
'Yes. I was named after my father. Mxdplay3. What's your's?'
'So can I call you Jan. Or Roxy?'
That seemed to be a conversation stopper, but I thought on my feet and asked another question. 'Nice teeth, are they your own?'
'Yes, of course. I paid the last installment earlier in the year.'
After that we got on like a house on fire. We mingled as if we were already a couple. As we chatted, I noticed a chess board set up as follows:
'Draw?' I aked, gesturing towards the board.
'Actually no', she replied. 'That position falls within the Troitsky Line. Its mate in 73 for white. What I really like about that position is that there are 3124 reciprocal zugzwangs with best play from both sides'.
So, not just beautiful, but interesting as well, I thought to myself.
My next question got an unexpected response. 'If you had a time travel machine and could travel back in time and play any chess player in history, who would that be?'
'Well I wouldn't bother with chess. I'd go back to the 1880's and kill Hitler's mother.' She replied.
Later, she took me by the hand and lead me to the kitchen. 'I've got something I think you'll like', she smiled.
Rob was in the kitchen pouring himself a beer. 'Hello'. Knowing look from Rob. 'Well I'd better get back, the games are about to start', he said with a wink. Then he left and shut the door behind him.
She lead me across the room, then hitched her skirt up slightly and opened her fridge. From inside she removed a large container which she placed on the counter.
'Nice box!' I exclaimed.
'Yes. I made it myself , look'.
As I looked closer, I could see the names of all sorts of cheeses in indelible ink. Cheedar, Rockeford, Bree. They were all there.
'There's only one thing I like better than cheese', I said. 'And that's chillies'.
'Really. I grow my own. They're so hot, they're off the Schoville scale and on the Richter scale!'
'So the Earth moves for you?, I grinned.
'It might.....later'. She bit her bottom lip seductively. 'Anyway. Lets eat cheese!'
As we ate the cheese, I was enthralled by the flavours and texture. Our conversation was affected so much that we ended up speaking to each in three word sentences! When we got onto the European soft cheeses, this was reduced to one word sentences! Crazy.
After we were full, we went back to the main room. The other guests were already in the middle of a game of 'Name-a-Leader'. I don't know if you ever tried this great party game, but what you have to do is name a leader.
Lucy was doing particularly well. 'Vlad the Impaler!' she cried as we entered.
'Vlad the Impaler?' Said another guest. 'How does a six year old girl know that?'
'Oh', answered Sue, 'she knew we would be playing 'Name-a-Leader' and spent the afternoon looking up on the internet.
'CHEAT. CHEAT!' he yelled. 'I didn't know we could CHEAT.' With which he stood up and barged out of the room. 'MOVE!!!!' He said to me as he pushed past.
'Who was that?' I asked my host.
'Some guy from work. He got the sack for abusing his vacation. I don't know his name, but he certainly needs a shave!'
Anyway, the evening wore on and time flew as we chatted about politics and religion. People left and soon there was just myself and Janellaroxallan, as I now called her, left in the house.
She took my shirt collar with her hands, pulled me close and whispered in my ear. 'If you could have just one wish for tonight, what would it be?'
OK, I thought, its now or never. 'I want a beautiful young woman to take me and make love to me like I've never been made love to before'.
And that night, my wish was granted.
Unfortunately, it turned out that the she was really a pre-operative transexual called Steve. And I ended up having to push my bike home.
this post is getting banned soon
this post is hilarious