9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.

16. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.

26. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns.

34. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!

35. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.

39. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.

45. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.

46. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.

53. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.

54. Bass players: one note. Really fast.

56. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.

WeakChessPlayedSlow