GargleBlaster's Top Twenty Bullet Chess Maxims

Maxims 1-10: General Observations

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #1:

At at least one point during a bullet chess game, you will have to play chess. 

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #2:

Bullet chess is, in terms of existential pointlessness, second only to arguing over the Internet and watching Major League Soccer.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #3:

It's very possible that the only tangible satisfaction anyone can ever derive from bullet chess lies in annoying their opponent.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #4:

Bullet chess is an uncomfortably accurate microcosm of real life.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #5:

To play bullet chess well requires that you must both care irrationally and not care irrationally about the result.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #6:

A single blunder, no matter how terrible, is almost never enough to lose a bullet game.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #7:

Most good bullet chess players do not consider capturing mandatory.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #8:

There is no mechanism precise enough to measure the miniscule quantity of time required for an experienced internet bullet player to queen an unstoppably passed pawn and, very shortly thereafter, effect a checkmate.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #9:

You will always wait longer to find a game after losing than after winning.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #10:

Most drugs are useless before a bullet game, though highly recommended after.

Maxims 11-20: General Strategies

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #11:

If pawns are the soul of chess, rook pawns are the soul of bullet chess, and a good mouse the chicken soup.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #12:

A knight that is presently able to fork a rook is probably worth a queen.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #13:

You can, and should, decide what to do with your King's Bishop before the game has started.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #14:

Bishops of opposite colors will never save you.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #15:

Never leave a fianchettoed Bishop undefended whilst premoving.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #16:

With both sides castled short, when one pushes queenside pawns and the other kingside, the former often winds up with an attack on both sides.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #17:

Happiness is a doubled f pawn.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #18:

Black pawns are always faster than White pawns.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #19:

An isolated queen pawn is always strong.

GargleBlaster Bullet Maxim #20:

Whomever plays f5 first wins. 

***