Addicted to Chess

Bill Wall's Wonderful World of Chess
by Bill Wall

Here are some of the signs that you are addicted to chess:

You are walking down the hall and bump into someone.  Instead of saying, "excuse me," you say, without thought, "J'adoube."  And you don't even speak French.

You go to a party (or Pizza Hut) where there is a checkered tablecloth.  You find someone else who knows chess. Pretty soon, you are setting up a chess position or playing a complete game with the salt and pepper shakers, utensils, sugar bags, and anything else you can find that fits in the squares of the checkered tablecloth.

If you have a chess clock at home, you use it for a kitchen timer, you use it for your main clock in a room, and you use it in place of sand dials that come with other games.

You buy a computer and fill it up with every kind of chess software and database and game collection you can find, and there is no room for any other program on the computer.

You take a pocket chess set and a chess book or magazine to the bathroom, spend an hour in the bathroom, then forget to use the bathroom.  You panic when you flush the toilet, then discover one piece is missing from you magnetic chess set.

You greet people by saying, "What's your rating?" or "What's your ICC alias?"

You spot a chessboard set up wrong in a movie and email to movie groups that discuss movie mistakes and bloopers, letting them know what frame shows the wrong chessboard.

You entertain friends at home with chess problems and give them snacks like Pepperidge Farm's Chessmen cookies.

You have a chess calendar displayed at home and at work and know Fischer's, Karpov's, Kasparov's, and Alekhine's birthday by heart.

You have a bumper sticker on your car that says "Chessplayers make better mates" or "Free Bobby Fischer."

You ask an attractive (or any) girl if she plays chess before you ask her out for a date.

You end all your email, with "P.S. 1.e4. Your move."

You donated to the U.S. Chess Federation and have a brick with your name on it in front of the U.S. Chess Hall of Fame.

You have black and white checkered tile in your bedroom and you try to play chess on it.

You explain that you live one block up and two blocks over, or like a knight move.

You explain your last relationship didn't work out because the two of you were "like bishops of the opposite color."

You own a Star Trek 3-D chess set or a Civil War chess set, which is prominently displayed in your living room.

Finally, you are addicted to chess if you read all this and didn't laugh.