Top 6 Ways to Not Piss Me Off in Live Chess Chat

6. Don't get all personally mad at me for making mincemeat of your King's exposed ass, or I'll cut it up and eat it in front of you. It's a game, like hopscotch or Twister. Don't ruin it with your seriousness. My victories are few and far between. Let me enjoy them.

5. Don't rush me. You want blitz, play blitz. You want standard, play standard. You want fries with that, Burger King. I don't get paid to play. Go screw yourself.

4. Don't gloat. "your all messed up now" is something you should say if you want me to mentally swat you upside the head. Twice. Once for gloating, and once on the other side for crappy grammar when gloating. Use punctuation like they didn't teach you in Sunday school. Not that I'm a grammar Nazi. I honestly don't care if nice people don't know what an apostrophe is. But if you gloat, I'm going to use your Bible Belt education as a way to hurt your feelings.

3. Don't give me advice. You're not the Ann Landers of chess. If I want advice, I'll ask for it or look it up online. Otherwise, why don't you go play with this plastic bag? Make sure the opening is nice and tight around your neck.

2. Don't get mad if I don't resign two seconds after you win a knight. I will kick your queen in the uterus.

And the #1 Way to Piss Me Off in Live Chess Chat is:

1. Do any of the above without first saying hello.

A Couple of Ways to Get on My Good Side:

- Laugh at your own stupid mistakes. We all make them. You're not mentally deficient, you're human.

- Say "gg". It means "good game". Even if it was a crappy game. It shows me you love and care for me.

Thank you for reading. Now let's all have some fun and not be a douche in live chess chat.