Laughter is the best medicine

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

where is the like button :)

nobodyreally wrote:

kleelof wrote:

Lucky for you that FM title doesn't rely on the quality of your jokes.

I noticed you have no title in relation to your comments.

Oh, if they gave them for jokes, I'd be a GM, baby!

Prove please.

Wales...where whaling is legal.

Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.

"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast. "There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.

"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the... ."

The power went off.

He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"

Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage."

How could there have been comedians in the Great Depression?

Easy...

There were 2 Okies in a soup line. One turns to the other and says, when's the last time you ate? The second Okie says '3 days'. HAHAHAHAHA

At a party:

'Are you a psychologist?'

'Why do you ask it?'

'Oh yes, you are a psychologist.'

A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.

The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.

The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."

When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."

Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.

When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"

Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?

A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

I thought it was the art of saying "nice doggy" while you find a bigger stick.

Repeat the same old sheep jokes?  Fine sure, if you like racial stereotyped humour that has been done ad nauseam.  Then take some of the awesome jokes in this thread which are really good - theres no comparison. Post 266 was incredible.

Why do Scotman wear kilts?

So the sheep can't hear the zipper.

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

I saw that joke in a move called National Lampoons Dirty Movie. Very funny if you like jokes......an entire movie about jokes.

kleelof wrote:

kaynight wrote:

Am scunnered wiz yiz aw.

That sounds like some NYC hip hop izm.

Yo wassup? Chillin in the crib wit da young bloods.

I was a short order cook.

But I had to quit.

It was too much work keeping the midgets from jumping off the grill.