WARNING: This chess.com blog is complete nonsense

Artyom_Georgiev

Updated: Sep 26, 2025, 7:25 AM | 3

Welcome, dear chess fiends, to the most forbidden corner of Chess.com you never knew.

The Sultry Sicilian? No. The Spaghetti Sicilian.

Behold, a position that makes engines scream and tablebases cry:

(insert hyper-dramatic knight close-up here, preferably with lens flare)

Notice how my knight pirouettes like a ballerina on d4, threatening forks, spoons, and possibly ladles. The e6 pawn? A trampoline. The bishop on c8? Plotting world domination while filing its taxes.

Even the rooks are nervous — one coughed up a rook cough (very rare, look it up).

How I Beat My Opponent with the London System (While Eating Soup)

They call the London “solid.” I call it “weaponized boredom.”

Bf4 — my bishop politely says “good evening.”
Nf3 — my knight asks for the Wi-Fi password.
h3 — why? Because I felt like it.

My opponent (we’ll call him Henry MeBearov) thought I was trolling. But little did he know: I was serious trolling.

By move 12 he was so confused he tried to castle while already castled. Arbiter fainted. Stockfish rage-quit. I sipped soup.

New Chess Glossary (The Forbidden Edition)

Blunderstorm: When every legal move loses material and you play them all anyway.
Checkmate: A polite way of saying, “Sit down, son.”
Stalemate: The cosmic joke of chess. You did all that work for a draw. Congratulations.
En Passant: A move invented solely to annoy beginners.
Frolicmate: Checkmate, but with confetti cannons.

GM Commentary (Completely Fabricated)

GM Anonymous: “When he played Nh4, I swear I heard Gregorian chanting.”
GM Definitely Real: “This London System made me consider a career in goat farming.”
GM Chess Goblin: “10/10 would blunder again.”

So, dear reader, the moral is clear:
Analyse the next chessboard that crosses your path. Let your moves be bold, your analogies absurd, and your checkmates unforgettable. And remember – if your opponent isn’t blundering by move 10, you’re not doing it right.

Tomas Watusčas – 4/10
✘ Mix of Lithuanian-looking surname ending (–as, –čas) with "Tomas," but "W" is rare in Lithuanian/Slavic context.

Alexandr Predke – 9/10
✔ Very realistic, matches real Russian GM Alexandr Predke.

✅ Most realistic: Evgeny Alekseyev, Vladimir Karavatskyi, Alexandr Predke.
❌ Least realistic: Maxim Rothensdshtein, Tomas Watusčas.

Want me to tweak the weak ones into 10/10 realism versions for you?

What's that on the horizon? Ah yes, a classic Sicilian Defense, but with a twist of romance. Feast your eyes on the diagram below (courtesy of my fevered mind and a dash of PG-13 editing). In this position, I'm playing the Sultry Sicilian, an opening so dripping with intensity that even half-open files come with mood lighting:

ALEXEI SHIROV PERFORMANCE

(insert hyper-intense knight close-up here)

Notice how my knight’s tail (that is, his nervousness across the board) is grazing against the opponent’s queenish blunder at d1. My pawn on e6? Think of it as a luscious chessboard, inviting penetration into enemy territory! And that bishop on c8 is eyeing down like a suitor from afar, waiting for a chance to cross paths.

It’s practically radioactive with allure: I’ve personally witnessed batteries of pawns feeling faint in this very setup.
Rooks might typically be towers, but here? They're, guarding the castle while the entire fortress is flirting.

Grandmaster Filbert: "Dude, this diagram is so steamy I had to fan myself. If my rook could blush, it just did."

How I beat My Opponent with the London System

I know what you're thinking: "The London System? Isn't that the boring old friend-zone of chess openings?" Ha! Think again, my sultry scribes. The London System is my cozy living room, dimly lit with candles, where I lean close and make my moves sound like sweet nothings.

chess.com puzzle

First, I drop my bishop to f4 (like sending a subtle wink). My opponent raises an eyebrow — we'll call him Henry. He doesn't know that behind my exterior, a cunning plan is brewing. I tricked him into thinking I was playing aggressive chess.

Then I play my knight to h4 (close encounter!), quietly escaping the initial ranks and inching toward g6 to whisper charms. Henry MeBear is blundering without even realizing it. Next, I castle, sighing contentedly — making him think I'm settling in for the chess game.

After the smoke clears, I'm casually fanning myself with my queen and Henry is left staring at the board, pupils dilated, thinking: "What kind of sorcery just ran through my defense?"

Anonymous 2600+ Opponent: "When he played Nf3-h4, I swear I heard a champagne cork pop in the other room. What kind of witchcraft is this?"

Steps in the London:

The Flirtatious Bishop (Bf4): Place your bishop on f4
The Knight’s Caress (Nh4 to g6)

These aren't just moves; they're moves. Because nobody forgets the first time someone serenades a London System.

Ian Nepomniachtchi (Astana 2023)

GM Knight Rider: "I almost resigned my entire career when I saw this setup. I've never been so happy to lose my queen!"

Grandmaster's Guide to Playing Chess: (Do This, Not That)

Back to the Future is a 1985 American science fiction film directed by Robert Zemeckis and written by Zemeckis and Bob Gale. It stars Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Crispin Glover, and Thomas F. Wilson. Set in 1985, it follows Marty McFly (Fox), a teenager accidentally sent back to 1955 in a time-traveling DeLorean automobile built by his eccentric scientist friend Emmett "Doc" Brown (Lloyd), where he inadvertently prevents his future parents from falling in love – threatening his own existence – and is forced to reconcile them and somehow get back to the future.

Here are the pro tips from the imaginary hall of fame of naughty chess masters:

Frolicmate: Forget checkmate – this is Frolicmate. Imagine delivering a mate with a wink and a finger gun. The opponent claps not for your skill, but because they can't believe it just happened.
Queen’s Gambit (Sultry Variation): Offer a pawn like it's sweet talk. "Take me, darling," the pawn seems to purr from the board. If they take it, reward yourself with a dramatic smirk. If not, well, at least you dared.
Rook's Rampage: Slide your rook along the first rank as if tracing a lover’s silhouette. Bold and horizontal lines are the new little black dress.
Knight’s Tantalizing Tour: Knights are unpredictable lovers – use them for surprise tickles. Maneuver in loops and L-shapes that keep them guessing where to find it next.
Pawn Party: Get all your pawns fanned out like an audience at a burlesque show. No one wants to trample a pretty line of pawns when you waltz by.

Each move is a statement, a tease, a double entendre delivered with grace (and maybe a side of gasps).

Chess Glossary (Because Why Not?)

Checkmate: The ultimate come-hither. It's not just "game over"; it’s your opponent on the floor, a little breathless, realizing you had them the moment you winked.
En passant: Literally French for "in passing." Think of it as the chess equivalent of swiping right – quick, sly, and leaving them wondering what hit them.
Castling: Consider it a quick change into pajamas – King tucks himself into bed (behind pawn pillows) while the rook slides over to join the pillow fight. Safety never looked so intimate.
Stalemate: A STALEMATE.
Sacrifice: When you throw yourself away for love (or some poor piece). You might lose material, but you gain so much more (read: bragging rights and maybe a blush).

Now, dear readers, I must sign off. My pieces are heating up, and the clock is ticking. Go forth, brave heart, and

Got it — I’ll rate each name’s realism out of 10, based on how authentic and natural they sound for Russian, Ukrainian, or related naming conventions.

Evgeny Alekseyev – 10/10
✔ Perfectly natural Russian name, both given and surname very common.

Maxim Rothensdshtein – 3/10
✘ "Rothensdshtein" looks awkward and unrealistic; "Rothenstein" or "Rotenshteyn" would be plausible.