News: Chess Solved! – Best Opening: Bongcloud (An April Fools’ Day Special)
News: Chess Solved! – Best Opening: Bongcloud
An April Fools’ Day Special
Tonight the main news channel was in ecstasy, a man claimed to have solved chess, the strategy game that has fascinated humankind since its inception with its fun play, intricacy, complexity and possibilities.
Host Number 1: “Good evening, and welcome to News at 8. I am your host, Dee Stort.”
Host Number 2: “And I am Manny Pewlate.”
Dee: “We have a bombshell tonight, a man by the name of Pran Kster, claims to have solved chess, whatever that means, we’ll have an exclusive interview later in the show.”
Manny: “Yes, he claims that by using an old computer from the 90’s and a piece of software he programmed in it, he was easily able to solve the game in almost no time.”
Later on in the show.
Dee: “Well, it’s time for our live cross to the main story of this evening.”
Manny: “That’s right, Dee. We have our correspondent, Lye Outrite, on location at Mr Pran Kster’s office. Are you excited to be covering this Lye?”
Lye: (5-second delay) “Hello Manny, Dee and everyone else at the studio. Yes, very exciting news tonight! Here is Mr Kster with me at his office. We have here his old computer and software, he claims to have used to solve chess!”
Dee: “Mr Kster, how were you able to reach this accomplishment?”
Mr Kster: (another 5-second delay) “It’s pronounced /ster/ the K is silent as in ‘Knight’, you know, like the piece.”
Dee: “My apologies Mr Silentster.”
Mr Kster: “No, the K is mute… nevermind. Well, honestly, I can’t believe nobody has been able to do this before. I mean, chess isn’t actually that hard, you know. I mean, it’s no tic-tac-toe.”
Manny: “Yes, tic-tac-toe is hard! I always lost playing it as kid. I’d still tell everyone I was great at it though, ha-ha.”
Dee: “Tic-tac-toe is so hard! My toddlers beat me every time! Well, except when I let them skip their veggies at dinner.”
Mr Kster: “Exactly, I mean, we’re a long way from solving tic-tac-toe, but we can solve chess and here we have it now.”
Mr Kster then proceeds to show his computer screen. It displayed what looked to be an old copy of Chessmaster. Actually, it was exactly that, just an old copy of Chessmaster and nothing else.
Mr Kster: “Here we can see it playing against itself…”
Manny: “Against itself?! What kind of sorcery is that? I mean, who would win, right?!”
Mr Kster: “Please allow me to continue... It plays against itself to find the best moves through trial and error. Here we can see how it has eventually settled on opening the game the same way every time by using the best opening ever devised: The Bongcloud.”
Manny: “Wow! That is some mind-blowing stuff!”
Mr Kster: “Indeed, and nobody actually knows what was going through the minds of those who first came up with The Bongcloud, but surely it must’ve been some top-notch brain juice.”
Dee: “Absolutely! Whenever I play chess and my opponent uses The Bongcloud, I just resign immediately. I mean, what’s the point to continue past that? I couldn’t handle those early game subtleties.”
Manny: “I didn’t know you played chess, Dee.”
Dee: “I don’t.”
Manny: “Oh, but you just said… Anyway…”
Mr Kster: “The software has played dozens of games against itself and was quickly able to settle on the best move to counter every previous move.”
Dee: “Fascinating stuff Mr Silentkstear. How did you create that software?”
Mr Kster: “I programmed it exclusively in assembly language, it took me a whole afternoon. Luckily I got it all correct in one go, no need for any debugging. The compiler was so happy.”
Manny: “Sounds complicated. I would’ve given up so quickly, but would’ve told everyone I made it work, LOL.”
Dee: “Lye, are you impressed by what you’re witnessing? History is being made tonight and you’re right there!”
Mr Kster: “I’m afraid Lye has gone to the bathroom.”
Manny: “No, Mr Kster, that’s probably just what he said he was going to do. Most likely he’s vaping outside your office. Let’s take a peek behind the scenes to see what Lye is really up to. You will hear it first here on News at 8!”
The camera pans to Lye huddled outside skimming through a copy of ‘Chess for Dummies’ while trying to find something clever to add to his news segment.”
Dee: “It appears Lye is trying to do his homework a little late.”
Lye: “Sorry everyone. I wanted to sound smart, but didn’t know anything about the topic.”
Manny: “But Lye, you once told me you were a club-strength chess player.”
Lye: “Yeah, I know, but I meant a club as in a big stick, LOL.”
Mr Kster: “I think this is a good time to reveal that this has been an April Fools’ prank I decided to pull on your station, in order to test your Journalistic Integrity and Code of Ethics. You reported on this as fact without any prior background checks.”
Manny: “Integrity and Ethics?! Sounds like some pointless lecture I skipped back at university.”
Dee: “Oh yeah, that’s right! Bo...ring! I mean who cares if the story is true or not, the important thing is to be the first to cover it. Then if people believe it, it becomes true.”
Manny: “Yes, anyway. Cut the feed, Lye. It seems Mr Kster here has been insane all along. We’ll have an in-depth documentary on him soon covering in detail his descent into madness while trying to unsuccessfully solve chess.”
Dee: “Oh, yeah. I knew he was crazy the moment the camera first showed his face. I mean, what kind of a nut even plays chess?!”
Manny: “So true, Dee. I also knew immediately he was crazy, but I let it play out knowing that it would make for great journalism either way.”
Dee: “Well folks, that’s all for tonight, and we’ll see you again tomorrow at 8. Goodnight.”
Poor Mr Kster, whose real name was actually Joseph Kerr. He had tried to bring awareness to his society about an important issue. But very quickly the media engaged in character assassination out of a survival instinct, to prevent people like Mr Kerr from exposing them. The media managed to fool many with its tricks, but many others were able to see right through them.
Little did they know that wouldn’t be the last they heard from Mr Kerr and his peers...
