I read a pawn's Diary... it was traumatic

Hello highly evolved monkeys.  Now I was at home getting fat off ice-cream because I have no life. Then Gerald kicked me out of his living room catapulting me to a sidewalk. There I found a Diary. Now since I have no life I read the entire thing. And it was... very traumatizeing. Basically it was a white f file pawn already off to a bad start. Then his cousin the e pawn marched up. then black marched it's d pawn and then white resigned. But when he resigned all pawns were sent to a weird realm with nothing but the blinding light. And then the f pawn pooped his pants. The End. Now this was a very traumatic r rated story and I feel bad for reading it out loud while holding a megaphone reading it to a bunch of elementary schoolers on the swing.