The real truth
It was time for a new Big Bang. The Gods that be made another baby, who needed to have a universe at his disposal, or the kid would just get bored, right? Thus universe 3548 started, now known as all there is by mankind. The first seconds the kid had a blast with all those flashes and explosions. Hypnotized he watched in awe how all that energy burst out and all kinds of weird things happened. Very quickly after that boredom struck. This universe sucks, the little God thought, everything lasts like forever before you got something. Before even a few lights pop up your waiting for millions of years. So he complained to his father that he didn’t like his toy very much.
“Son,” his father replied, “that’s how all universes work. It does all take a long time, but you can practise your patience like this. Besides, you live for eternity, so what does it matter how long it takes?”
“Can’t I have a few extra universes? I’m bored to death!”
“Funny metaphor, my son, but every Highest Born only gets one universe, thus is the Law.”
Annoyed God started a contemplation of a few myriads. Eventually he summoned his patience by concentration techniques where he had to hold one thought for centuries. Along the way he mastered the essence of his universe and the eternal laws.
The first stars were already forming by now and God had grown up. He didn’t let himself get taken away by the moment, always he saw the future in the extension of the now, as a wise man should. He was a little disappointed when he had to wait for the second generation stars to make life possible, but his control over himself made those billions of years seem like a walk in the park. Then, finally, it happened. Planets were emerging from the stardust and on some planets lightning infected primordial soup, so life could start to evolve. A few civilizations were already going the right way. Still God couldn’t take away all his boredom, as things happened so slowly, so he started fantasizing, one got to do something with his time, right?
Lonely as God was in heaven, he told one civilization that you could get to heaven by taking out your bodily fluids. He was just curious what these creatures were made of. He thought, if they are as smart as they look… Sure enough, the civilization soon died out. Just like I thought, God said to himself, what a clowns!
The next civilization he made believe that the way to heaven was to kill as many of your own as you possibly can. Another one bites the dust. Well, well, he thought, what a gullible universe!
The next creatures he told that the way to heaven is to be as sweet to one another as you can. After some time even God had a toothache by seeing what was going on there. What a heellicking bunch! Once he let one into heaven but he got so bored by his endless hugs and praises that he was breeding out a plan to get rid of him.
On another planet he said that the way to heaven is to let all the misery into your life you can muster. Slowly but surely something real began to develop here. A river of tears was flooding the lands, hopeless foolish loves were chased, creatures inflicting pain on themselves and to their minds, it was a disaster! Hankeys were sold before they were produced. God thought that he basically had to let a few of those crybabies into heaven but he wasn’t going to do that! He was here to have a little fun! So he did the right thing: he gave the planet a sturdy kick and soon nothing lived there anymore. Case closed!
Another planet he spread the rumor that to get to heaven you need to be wise. He looked at the developments and was pretty satisfied. A serene planet with creatures mentally far ahead of all other creatures in his universe. So he showed his best side and let a few of those into heaven. Once they were there God wasn’t so alone anymore and talks were actually great. They learned a ton and lived forever, by God’s side. But when they learned everything there is to know they got bored and started complaining.
“We are bored, mister God. What do we have to do here for eternity?”
The impudence! God thought at first. But then he remembered his youth and understood what was going on.
“Let’s make a plan on how to amuse ourselves for eternity,” God answered.
And so they started plotting and fantasizing and finally they had their plan ready. We tell the creatures who live on the planet they call earth that you can get to heaven with all features. Whether it is misery, love, murder, wisdom or whatever, everything gets you there. And they imagined what they should put in the book they were writing and had a blast for like a thousand years. They made up the greatest nonsense just to see if the people on earth would believe it. These creatures, humans, thought very highly of themselves so this would be a good test.
“We’ll see how wise you people really are!” all in heaven shouted, except of course for that sweet person, because he was no fun.
And so they sent this humorless creature to earth, to preach about how you can get to heaven. They gave him a book he could study for a few thousand years, so he knew it by heart. Ah, we have the time, they thought in heaven. When the creature got his act together, God sent him to earth after making him human.
He started preaching the message from above and soon he had a whole load of followers believing all he said. But within a few years some guys had enough of him and crucified him. So God took him up and layed him on the planet he came from to rest. Good riddance, they all smiled in heaven. The rumor on earth was that he rose to heaven, as his grave was later found to be empty.
In heaven they looked how humanity developed after that. Finally there was something to laugh about in the universe, because the book was so full of things that contradict that people didn’t know what to do anymore. One tried wisdom, one misery, one tried it all and went mad, it was one big ball of nonsense, hilarious! And so this planet became their favorite one, because here always something interesting happens.
The eye of God and his ‘angels’ is always aimed at our planet. And thus we still are the centre of this universe, although scientists simply don’t want to hear it!