Chess Columnist: Dave Barry

May 18, 2012, 10:24 PM |

Dave Barry is an author and humour columnist for the Miami Herald, Here are a few chess related excerpts of his;

1. Problem with Chess

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. ''Let's get this over with!'' was their battle cry. If the rules had allowed it, my pieces would all have charged out onto the board simultaneously the instant the game started. Unfortunately, this was not legal, so they had to content themselves with charging out one at a time, pretty much at random, and immediately getting captured. Here's what it they sounded like:

PAWNS: Oh, no! They got the Knight!

KING: Darn it!

BISHOP: I'll go next!

KING: Good luck!

PAWNS: Oh, no! They got the Bishop!

KING: Darn it!

QUEEN: I'll go next!

KING: Good luck!

PAWNS: Oh, no! They got the Queen!

KING: Good! I mean, Darn it!

Because of the level of my chess game, I was able -- even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog -- to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster."

(Miami Herald, Jan 26, 1997)

2. A Duck?

"Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship anymore than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck."

3. Playing with your Dog

" Chess: This is another game where you should be able to establish your dominance. Do not let the dog go first."

(I'll Mature When I'm Dead, 2010)

4. Wham-O !

" In terms of intellectual content, the Hula-Hoop made the Frisbee look like international championship chess.'

(Dave Barry Turns 50, 1998)

5. Chess with a 3-year old

"Do you want to know how you play chess with a 3-year old girl? OK, I will tell you:

First you put all the chess pieces on the squares. Then some pieces decide to have a Birthday Party. They make a circle and sing Happy Birthday. But they won't let the other pieces come to the party! The other pieces are sad! They are crying and lying down on the chess board! So the Mommy piece tells the birtday party pieces that they have to let everybody come to the party. Then everybody sings Happy Birthday some more times. A lot more times! Everbody is happy!

Everybody wins in chess! Time for more juice."

(Miami Herald, July 2003)

6. Gassy Gus Gag Gift Idea

"In other words, it is exactly like chess, except that instead of strategy there is flatulence. So in that sense, it is actually more like the United States Congress."

(Miami Herald, Nov. 2008)