Woody Allen Chess

A writer, director, actor, and comedian, Woody has provided us with a number of "chess" quotes;

1. Whatever Works (2009 movie)

"Did you, Did you pick up a chess board full of pieces and hit my son with it at his lesson today?"

"That idiot's your son? Do me a favour and don't send that cretin to me anymore. I can't teach an empty headed zombie chess."

"So you threw a chess board at him?"

"I didn't throw it at him. I picked up the board and dumped the pieces on his head... as an abject lesson to shake him out of his vegetable torpor."

"Your son's an imbecile! Teach him tiddleywinks ... not chess!"

(directed and written by Woody)

2. A Life in Film (2002 TV))

 "Silent fims were easier, when you added the voice it became much more complicated and its really the difference between checkers and chess." (Woody Allen on comedy in film)

3. Not on the team

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height." (Woody Allen)

4. The Gossage - Vardebedian Papers

A short story written as a series of letters between Gosssage and Vardebedian, it should be considered a "classic piece of chess humour. Here are a few excerpts;

" ..... heaven knows we all make mistakes. That's life ... and chess." (Gossage)

"Let me see if I understand you correctly. Your knight, which I removed from the board weeks ago, you now claim should be resting on the king's fourth square, owing to a letter lost in the mail twenty-three moves ago." (Vardebedium)

"Therefore, I feel the best way to rectify this entire matter is to allow me the opportunity of two consecutive moves at this time. Fair is fair. First, then, I take your bishop with my pawn. Then, as this leaves your queen unprotected, I capture her also. I think we can now proceed with the last stages unhampered." (Gossage)

"The knight move which allegedly got lost in the mail would have been impossible on the twenty-second move, as the piece was then standing on the edge of the last file, and the move you describe would have brought it to rest on the coffee table, next to the board." (Vardebedium)

"Unfortunately, the game having gone on non-stop, I have not been able to calculate exactly on which square you ought to replace the purloined knight, and I suggest we leave it to the gods by having me close my eyes and toss it back on the board, agreeing to accept whatever spot it may land on." (Gossage)

(The New Yorker, Jan 22, 1966 written by Woody Allen & later included in "Getting Even" 1978)