Chess Players: Seven rare "types" in life
Hi dear readers! Welcome to the chaotic world of chess tournaments — whether they happen in a stuffy hotel ballroom or on your phone at 3AM while eating cereal. Today, we explore seven (yes, SEVEN!) hilarious types of chess players you’re almost guaranteed to meet. Apart from the normal kind of chess player (which may… or may not include me), these seven species can completely blow your mind, rattle your nerves, and leave you questioning your life choices. But don’t worry — I’ve added some survival tips, so you might just make it out alive!
1️⃣ The Blitzer
Average game length: 4 minutes (because who needs time?).
Habits: Stares at the clock 95% of the time, blunders gloriously, yet miraculously wins. Prefers 1-minute bullet and claims classical is for dinosaurs.
Motto: “Why think when you can click?”
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Try to be faster than them. May sound impossible (because it is), but hey — miracles happen! Your 0.5% chance of success could shock The Blitzer into a full-on existential crisis. Remember: it’s not about who plays better, but who panics slower.
2️⃣ The Endgame Grandmaster
Habits: Brings Dvoretsky’s Endgame Manual to bed like a cozy bedtime story. Delights in positions with three pawns and a minor piece. Can calculate king opposition better than most humans calculate tip at a restaurant.
Motto: “The real game begins after move 30.”
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Counter with superior opening knowledge. Bring Modern Chess Openings to bed and memorize it like your life depends on it. Your goal is simple: never let the game reach move 30.
3️⃣ The Loud Analyst
Habits: Replays the entire game loudly, starting every sentence with, “If only I had played…” Gathers innocent bystanders who nod politely while silently begging for freedom. Often drops passive-aggressive remarks about your “lucky” moves.
Motto: “I had a win somewhere...”
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Smile like your face is made of plastic, nod aggressively, then start analyzing the game yourself — louder. The Loud Analyst will either be amazed or rendered speechless (both are victories).
4️⃣ The Rule Stickler
Habits: Knows every FIDE rule, probably has it printed, laminated, and framed. Will correct your notation mid-game, call the arbiter if your pen cap falls, and side-eye you for breathing near your scoresheet.
Motto: “Actually, according to Article 7.5.1…”
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Carry a printed copy of the FIDE Handbook and casually place it on the table before the game starts. Bonus points if you highlight random articles. This power move instantly earns their respect and possibly their fear.
5️⃣ The Late Arriver
Habits: Casually strolls in 5 seconds before forfeit, looking fresh as if they just returned from a spa. Brings an entire picnic: water bottle, banana, 4 pens, and sometimes emergency chocolate. Despite the time deficit, wins anyway.
Motto: “Time trouble is a state of mind.”
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Don’t panic. Instead, bring your own banana and 4 pens. If nothing else, you’ll match their energy and confuse them long enough to steal a few rating points.
6️⃣ The Trash Talker
Habits: Provides commentary for every move, whether you like it or not. Uses mind games: sighs, smirks, eyebrow raises, “accidental” remarks like “Oops, blundered again!” to mess with your head.
Motto: “Chess is 10% moves, 90% mind games.”
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Fight fire with fire. After every one of their moves, say: “Hmm, interesting choice…” in your most mysterious tone. Bonus: throw in random sighs. Watch their confidence slowly evaporate.
7️⃣ The ‘I Just Play for Fun’ Master
Habits: Claims they don’t study chess, just “play for fun.” Then proceeds to destroy 2000-rated players like they’re playing checkers. Modestly smiles after performing GM-level tactics.
Motto: “Oh, I just got lucky.”
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Nod politely, say “Wow, I wish I had your natural talent,” then cry into your pillow later. There’s no real defense against this species.
🐣 Bonus: The Parent/Spectator Species
Habits: Hovers like a helicopter behind the playing area, lip-syncs every move, lives on coffee, stress, and secondhand adrenaline.
How-to-deal-with Tip:
Hand them decaf and politely suggest they take a walk… far, far away.
