Not mine but I know funny and THIS IS FUNNY
1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I
can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can
tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly
involves me.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that
you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are
supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back
in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something
like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
was younger.
5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard
This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will
never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
6. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may
know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately
choose not to be friends with?
7. Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it
wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would
magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did
we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message
boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
8. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
9. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw
it.
10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90
minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at
the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and
a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
really gets it.
11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
13. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text
14. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else
to say"
15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
16. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams
up to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers!
19. Everytime I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said
"Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
20. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow
each other?
21. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
22. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
23. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
24. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
25. Bad decisions make good stories.
26. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB-gun that I always wanted.
546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
27. Is it just me or do high school girls get s1uttier & s1uttier every
year?
28. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
problem....
29. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
30. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
31. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
32. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this
ever.
33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they
judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching
this.It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'
34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes
to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and
run away?
35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
36. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.
37. Why is a school zone 40kph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...
38. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
39. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
40. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
41. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag,
saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about
it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to
require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.
There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@stard
before dinner.
42. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey
- but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3
feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
43. I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
44. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
