A Trip To The Dark Side

Somewhere, deep down - The Flying Dutchman, racing a beating pulse, the beat ... drumming ... pulling you - saying:

"Hey - I'm here to feed you anger when you act without a thought. I'll bring you down the eddy to a nice visit at the dark side." 

It's a revalation as you age, you spot you're own faults and errors - not at the moment but alot quicker than in early years. There's more advantage to that. You accept those aspects and use that found ability to learn from them. Faults. Errors. 

Respect comes from respect and nothing else. No matter what. Respect your self. The one (thing) to love the most - in a sense - is yourself. I try to use that as a tool to make chess more enjoyable, 'cause when all's black, hard and deep down - we tend to dwell on it. Once undisguised it's an open book to read and learn from.

The last week I've been plain dumb, blind and deaf. Playing in affect - hitting the Rematch/New like a woodpecker on a bole. Building up surpressed anger, an emotion feeding your egocentric self. Spiraling into a circle and around and around it goes. Every click mortifying your mind, losing in line. Over and over again.

And not detecting it! Not sane.

To gamble or to play could be one question. A statement could be that this game - it's different, it's about much more, it resides in a kind of twilight were nothings else matters.

Gambits and the state of it I like, even though I seldom gamble. But maybe that's a path to remembering being young, wild and careless. Tensed. A wreckingball. Chess can resemble any act in life, not just as described but in any way - if you choose to view it from that perspective - the possibilities, variations - seem endless. 

So ... hangman - "this evil game" - I'm going after more. Another slap in the face. Board. Positions. I don't recognise my self in this pattern, how to navigate here - unknown waters - help I can't swim. There's sharks hunting. Trapping. Playing with you. The self esteem hitting 'rock bottom'. Lacking sleep. What a week.

Coping with shame/disappointment - those two together will get you ... down.

It's all in the head.

Just visit the past - don't dwell - don't move in - just visit. Then return. Reflect. That's it! Light's on. Carve yourself out of a dark space. Float. Fight to regain the feeling - 'feels good'. Revive. Restart. Reboot. Lets go. At some point you should have preserving distance towards yourself. Accept. Learn. I'm not perfect, I want to but I'm not. Try (hard) to set mind before game. Old news maybe, but still:

Don't move in. Move on.

Patterns of bad habits leads the way to the dark side. So react. Unlearn them. Yesterday I watched a stream, you know who, having a tournament with longer timecontrol. I sat my mind, that here and now, I'd take the time given. Every move. Really think about it. When in doubt - listen to your gut. Don't get wise afterwards. Play less games a day - sometimes none. Replay your games. Analyze at peace. 

Where did I go wrong. Where did I go right. Why did I go at all. Every game. Evolve from that. Setting that seed and letting it grow. Set your mind. Someday it will become an instinct to rely on. The Aha!?-expierience. Precious moments. So I did, I played three games focusing with all my energy. When feeling hopeless, helpless, even when feeling secure or full of hope. A consequent approach. I felt at ease.

Chesswise it's been a full week. A visit to The Dark Side. Lights back on.

Your's "JackieTheSwede"