The Force (how I feel about chess and how I choose to out it)

| 5

Bigger than me.

The largest thing I know to exist is the universe even though I don't grasp it.  Size. Form. Color. Smell. Feel. All of them out of the window. The way my brain works is also a mystery to most humans but this strange thing called cosmos should come from somewhere. From something. Out of nothing and without a thought. No big scheme. No waves thinking, calculating - leading to some kind of emotion. No peticular form of life. Death. Whatever started this was/were unaware doing it.

A forcefull sideeffect and yes; I call it/him/her/that/thing - 'The Force'.

Trying to understand is a possibility but actually understanding ... it will never happen Einstein. Maybe a fraction but that fraction will drive us into insanity - cause we want to know it all. That is how chess feels to me. This urge but it's out of reach until 'Hope' jumps in and tricks me into believing that I'm actually "really smart". 

Now, this is all my perspective, my window. It's very subjective even though many of us share an objective in common. We're all in a paradox together, trying to improve our vision - but if you follow me you'll end up getting lost. 

Now, I suck at chess, I love it but I suck. There is no need to paint it colorful. Me playing chess is quite a black and white experience if you should choose to take a peek. My understanding of the universe vs. chess - lets scale it to about 50/50. For starters.

I always lived very close to nature, closer than most of you. Some would call it extreme but for me it's life quality. Also living like this makes you connect to something unsure. If you want me to put it in one word, I can't, I haven't found an expression for it. 

Spiritually. Divine. Science. Beliefe. Indoctrinated.

No, this is something very intimite, something so close you can smell it. Even caress it. You throw yourself into a world where answers reveal them self as 'A-Ha'. An elevating trip, 'cause the answers comes without me asking questions. 

Out of the blue. I can tell you this and you might smile - I know things.

Mostly I play E4 or C4. As black I just go for it, making life harder. Like a monk from 1552, mortifying him self as punishment with a morningstar across his back. I don't do that physically - I do it on a mental plane. Now, here is where the fun begins. I'm manodepressive (BiPolar, yes Sir) and tilting playing chess is a universe of it self. Nothing is what it seems to be. Spiraling into unknown territory. Every time. The brain blacks out. I'm not even there. Manic mode mach 5 - you dig. I'm telling you. It's a crazy ride and when you stop;

nothing (even a whisper)

I'm a vegetable; overdone

my understanding of the universe vs. chess is 85/15

Guys, I like to end this very spontaneous post with: 

I have good days.