Monsters Anonymous- A Play (My Late Halloween Contribution)
A Revolting Blob
All the monsters are sitting in a circle in the middle of a room. There is one chair left open for THE THERAPIST who has not yet arrived. The monsters are grumbling back and forth about people no longer being afraid of them. THE ZOMBIE mentions Twilight making THE MUMMY laugh and THE REVOLTING BLOB jiggle like a laughing belly, much to the ire of THE VAMPIRE.
VAMPIRE (exasperated): We don’t really sparkle! See that’s what’s wrong with everyone nowadays. Two hundred years ago town villagers feared me! Now they make us out to be pretty boys girls swoon over.
The other monsters snicker, the REVOLTING BLOB jiggles slightly.
ZOMBIE: Yeah, well you don’t have to worry about being mistaken as a pretty boy eh?
VAMPIRE: Hey at least I’m not falling apart. Look at you; ear missing and you only have your big toe on your left foot! You’re not even-
THE THERAPIST walks in, carrying a clipboard. He obviously doesn’t notice the words being flung back and forth as he begins talking.
THE THERAPIST: Alright so, here we all are in... (Pauses to check his clipboard.) Monsters Anonymous. A support group to assist those ghouls, ghosts, and uh (glances at REVOLTING BLOB, who flattens slightly) everything else that feels they are not taken as seriously as they used to be. I will guide you all through our six step process to recovery, resulting in raised self-esteem and maybe a few screams or two when you get back out there.
The monsters nod quietly as THE THERAPIST speaks, fidgeting and glancing around all the while.
THE MUMMY: (muffles something)
THE THERAPIST: Uh, excuse me?
THE ZOMBIE: He said he notices you aren’t a monster, or even hideously deformed. What’s up with that doc?
THE MUMMY: Yeah!
THE VAMPIRE: Yeah, what is up with that indeed? We should all be sucking your blood or eating your brains or something.
THE REVOLTING BLOB: … (Wiggles angrily and expands.)
THE THERAPIST clears his throat.
THE THERAPIST: Well, actually I am not quite normal. You see, I was born with a tail! (Pauses for dramatic effect.) The doctors removed it immediately of course.
THE ZOMBIE (slowly): Okay. So you were born with a tail. Does that mean your parents are Minotaur hell spawn?
THE THERAPIST: Um, no.
THE VAMPIRE: Sphinxes?
THE THERAPIST: No.
THE ZOMBIE: Undead monkeys?!
THE THERAPIST: Nooooo.
THE MUMMY: (Muffles something incoherently.)
THE THERAPIST: Sorry?
THE VAMPIRE: He asked if your parents are Republicans.
THE THERAPIST looks around wide eyed.
THE THERAPIST: NO! (Pauses.) Well actually yes, I think so. But I am a human and my previous deformity makes me the most qualified for this session!
The monsters shake their heads. THE REVOLTING BLOB sways side to side before becoming still. The other monsters look at THE REVOLTING BLOB and nod in agreement.
THE ZOMBIE: What Revolting Blob says is right; we are here for help so we will listen to you and not hurt you. But if I don’t get anything from this (Pauses.) well you look mighty tasty.
THE VAMPIRE: Hear hear.
THE THERAPIST raises his eyebrows, instinctively beginning to take a step back before catching himself. He squares his shoulders and takes his seat.
THE THERAPIST: Okay, so I think it is safe to say that we have gotten our introductions out of the way with that. What I want us all to do now is take a moment and think back to the last time you tried to scare someone. Did it end up going your way?
All the monsters look down at the ground, THE REVOLTING BLOB deflates.
THE MUMMY (incoherently): Mmmf hrmm ung kindy.
THE THERAPIST: Umm-
THE VAMPIRE: What he said was the last time he tried to scare someone they gave him candy.
THE THERAPIST: I see. (Writes a note on his clipboard.) What about yourself?
THE VAMPIRE: Well let’s see, just today on the way here I waited in the alley for a couple to walk by. When they got up to me I jumped out and they were all scared and like-!
THE ZOMBIE begins laughing uncontrollably.
THE ZOMBIE: Are- you- kidding?! I saw you and when you jumped out the guy punched you square in your chalk pale face! He laid you out like a brick and kept walking!
THE VAMPIRE lowers his eyes and sags his shoulders, and looks at the floor.
THE THERAPIST: Alright. Well this is what we are going to do as homework for the week. I have here some construction paper and a crayon, what I want you all to do is make a few comment cards. The next time you try to scare someone, ask them afterwards if they can fill out one of the cards and rate your performance. It’d be a good idea to give them space to put suggestions on how you can do better. Then next week we will all share our comment cards and maybe we can give each other some ideas too!
THE VAMPIRE: You’re really enjoying yourself too much doc.
The other monsters bob their heads in approval, THE REVOLTING BLOB bounces slightly out of his chair.
THE THERAPIST: Alright! So go ahead and make those cards and I will see you next week!
Before anyone can say anything THE THERAPIST gets up and makes a beeline for the door. After he exits, the monsters hear his footsteps break into a sprint, quickly fading down the hallway.
THE ZOMBIE: (Sighs.) Well, at least we have the satisfaction knowing we scared HIM.
THE MUMMY: (Mumbles something funny.)
All the monsters laugh hysterically for a minute; THE REVOLTING BLOB begins oozing on the floor.
THE VAMPIRE (wiping his eyes and still chuckling): Classic! You said it man.
The monsters get up and go over to THE THERAPISTS chair where he hastily left the crafting supplies and begin working on their comment cards.