A Certain Philosophy


"I only believe in what I can prove. Lucky for me, I take almost anything as proof. Auras? Of course they're real. That's why people think I'm staring into space so often. Ghosts? They're real too. I met one once at a train track. He jumped in front of my mom's car and then the next day he waved at me. Astral projection I'm in the process of proving to be real. I hurt myself doing it, but that was because I wasn't doing it right. Aliens are real too, even if I've never seen one myself. Dragons were real. They were dinosaurs. They're not classified as such because science refuses to believe in things they can't explain. Everything is real.

Cryptozoology is completely real. The Loch Ness Monster. Leeds Devil. Igopogo. Jackalope. Kraken. Kelpie. Wendigo. Death Worm. Thunderbird. Yeti. Veo. Chupacabra. Mothman. Quetzalcoatl. Devil Monkey. Pegasus. Megaconda. They're all real. Do you know why science pretends that they're not? Because they're all cowards. They're afraid of the unknown. Of course, I am too. That's why I'm so open to accepting it. But all those creatures, do you know why they're not as common as squirrels or birds? Because they know. They know what humans do to things they can't understand. They'll cage them up and display them. If they're lucky they'll be torn apart and studied from the inside out. They went into hiding. They only want to protect themselves and look what humans do. They go through the trouble of searching for them. They only want to be left alone.

Bird cages are such tragic things aren't they? They contradict each other. Birds fly. Cages stop them. Then humans get angry when they don't sing. Then when they do, we lie to ourselves and pretend they're not crying. Or maybe we take pleasure in that sound. It makes humans feel superior somehow. It's terrible.

Do you know why the sky is so pretty? Because we haven't gained control of it yet. It's yellow when the sun rises and blue when it sets. It's so pretty... All we can do is pray that humanity can never touch it. What color will it be then?

Gravity is a funny thing. Small children can't fly. A little ten pound infant can't fly. Yet fifty pound eagles can glide so effortlessly. Do you know what my explanation for that is? An infant is a human and an eagle is a bird. That makes sense. Airplanes can fly. Airplanes aren't birds. They're not welcome in the sky. Birds and bats and insects were born to fly. Airplanes were made to fly by greedy humans. If flying machines were ever meant to exist, they would have created themselves.

I don't believe in miracles but I believe in judgment. If something should be right, it'll make itself right. Praying only gives people a distraction called hope. Hope isn't going to pass judgment over them. Killing Osama Bin Laden was a terrible thing to do. What will happen now? Al-Qaeda wants revenge now. They'll come back, and they'll destroy another tower, and we'll go back, and we'll destroy something of theirs, and millions of lives will be lost in another stupid tug-of-war. Then what will happen? They'll blame each other. It'll keep going on and on until judgment comes along and makes them both shut up.

Humans are proud monsters. They think they can dominate nature. Nature knows what it's doing. It doesn't need such a fragile thing telling it what to do. It doesn't need bombs or planes or wars. It doesn't need species going extinct. It doesn't need furs sewn into clothing. But humans came along and now they're pulling everything apart. They'll keep countering every bit of judgment. Volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, all judgment. They've never bothered to prove it, but what if we stopped bothering nature? Maybe the storms would go away. Of course, they don't have time to test it do they? What, with all the animals to skin and all the nuclear weapons to test and all the lands to conquer, who has time for something like that?

I can do anything I want in my little world of illusions. I can watch dragons and I can destroy humanity. And can give cryptids a reason to feel safe. I can do... anything..."