King Alfred's rules on chess

All are welcome!  Greetings, greetings, be seated!*  

(*adopts voice of Dumbledore)

1.  beware the black knight.  For he is the knight of your imminent doom.
2. only joking.  Or am I?
3. The logo is King Arthur's table but is a famous fake "relic", bizarrely in Winchester, the later seat of Wessex.  I (Alfred) may have had a fake one put up of my own, for as we all know, I had knights.    And had feasts.
4. I King Alfred did have Wessex (sort of mid to SW England) to rule from Winchester and united England's seven Kingdoms to defeat the Danes. 
5. Long-dead King Arthur was probably near the time of Christ down in Tintagel near its famous fairtytale ruinous castle, Cornwall and Somerset, possibly in Brittany, France, Wales, and anywhere they believe in soppy mythical beings and especially Norman romantic spin.  Morgana is the amazingly influential witch in the stories not his "lover". The King's wife is Gwendolene.  All Kings may be polygamous.
6. Those who promote to a knight or bishop must call their King a Prince.  Those who leave unpromoted on the last rank, a Princess.
7. Whether I knew how to do proper castles as we know them is dubious.   It is a dark art.  He can stop them.  He is not good at making them have any lasting impression - see England.
8. There is absolutely nothing of the night  (shudder and say a few Hail Marys) about my many Bishops of Winchester .  The fact they had nearly half Wessex and everywhere else bestowed on them repeatedly is pure coincidence. Don't mess with the Bishops.    
9. If you see a bishop and a queen in alignment they can and will marry her to pretty much whoever they want.   Forced marriage doesn't cut it; it is more like a forced matriarchy!!!  Think Boudicca, Britannia and all that.  Still was going on in Alfred's day even under Edward V: Jacquetta of Luxembourg (mother in law)  and the White Queen  (Elizabeth Woodville) (who?) his wife, Miss Middleton, the list goes on of regular rich women marrying Kings in England through the aegis of one assumes witchcraft.  Or could it just be we Kings fancy these, and they don't come with any strings.  Believe what you will.  
10. s will not be accepted as not around back then.  They were not used for eating until the 1500s in Europe - though may have been used in carving meat, or something suspiciously similar, biprong skewers , but they're not forks, apparently. Damn it with modernity!   I'm not even sure I know how to use them myself.  I really must learn.
11.  blitz is good.
12.  bullets.  No.  What is that supposed to be?  Though pour French Arthur he may have fired the little boulle- ettes which is what is should actually be shaped like, boulles.  Not so appealing then is it?  Please take note pschyopathic (one assumes all 2000+ ranked) players  with an addiction to shoot-em-ups and a 99% lack of empathy about these things being nothing better than dealing with ball-ettes, literally  There's a lot more to life than that, obviously.     =