Empty

I'm moving my pieces about without conviction...I'm in absolute misery becase my opponent is about to perform the coup de grace. I'm hating myself for not playing the opening better, and hating my opponent even more for being smug about the whole thing and wasting time. The game is over really, and I should do the honourable thing and resign...but I can't, because I'm too stubborn. I tell myself, "Alright, on the next move I'll resign.", then lo and behold my opponent plays the wrong move! There are a million and one ways to finish off the game, and he (or she) picks the ONLY move that loses!

I hurriedly respond with my move and finally look up to see my opponent hold his head in his hands. I have managed to turn the tables around and will win the game in a few moves...so, I should be happy right? Wrong...of all the ways to win, this is the scenario I least favour. I cannot boast about this sort of win, and the victory is empty. There is no celebration, there is no pride...there is only that little mocking voice in my head that keeps telling me, "He really should have whooped your arse Kore, and you know it lol".

In all honesty, I would much rather be the other guy (in some cases, i.e. when there is no prize involved lol). The one who plays complete chess and only makes one silly mistake at the end. I would in that case be able to hold up my head. I love to win don't get me wrong. There are few things in life that give me joy like coming out on top after a hard fought game of chess, BUT my ultimate objective is to master the game in all departments...opening, middle game and endgame. 

Winning is good, but when you know that you don't deserve that victory it leaves you feeling empty.