will there even be a future? Recap on Chess and Mental Health

hello everyone yes i know it has been a while once more and well i am here and i think i have said this each time for my past 3 blogs but here we go again recapping over the board games. i took a bit of a hiatus since many of my recent events were not notated games and pretty much blitz/rapid events each week with consistent performance. there was one huge classical tournament which i didn't go due to lack of belief i could win anything and just a waste of time.

generally i own up to my losses, respect my opponents and feel alright with not winning but at the cost of too much money its just not worth going especially when its much easier just paying 10 bucks for blitz every friday rather than paying 70 for big classical events that i cant afford.

How i have achieved certain milestones, the cause of my improvement? NEGATIVITY

this new year was the chance of trying to just feel more positive in general and while the first few months were stressful, i had hope getting back to playing and making up grades in a positive light. i was hoping that the summer would be a good opportunity for me to shed light on bad things and try to reemerge better than ever but life just has a funny way of showing that. apart from family issues and physical health problems i just cant seem to get out of my zone.

most of my milestones like breaking rating ranges, improving my skill and understanding all just seem to be fueled and mostly achieved by negativity and failure. i get frustrated so much that i go to extreme lengths in order to try and improve my ability when i know that this isn't the healthy way to do it and most of the time i barely change anything but i get something from it, sometimes a bit of money and others just experience in a bad result.

usually now in these past few OTB events i have had consistent results and learn 3 things which are simply studying, calculation, and tactics cause in most of my games i just can't seem to find the answer when i know i am winning but just instantly blow away my chances or possibilities. i have played mostly again OPEN players and what they have shown me is just that i am outmatched theoretically, need to study some openings, and calculate faster then i already am.

"Initial thoughts on recent events and the future"

this was my latest game against an IM named yunier who extremely just demolishes me in our second encounter. we have played once before in a blitz event and it was a drawish position but i panicked under time pressure and lost very easily, resigning once a queen trade was forced. this was a rapid event and i was going into the last round knowing this would probably the end of my streak, i didn't think i was going to ever have a chance and so i ended in a consistent score, surprisingly winning money by getting the U2000 prize which i didn't know existed.

this game was from the day previously where there was a nightly blitz event (3/2) and i did consistent there as well with 5 points but again i didn't really feel proud or accepting of my performance. as i have stated in my last blog, i became a legend and it wasn't at all happy for me losing over 100 rating points in the process and not really achieving much. since that event really the only thing I've accomplished was just getting to play @jospem and that's really it, no amazing happy ending, no incredible climatic game, just a boring one in a lifetime game.

I have never felt just so uncertain about anything in my life worse than i am now as i really don't have any goals, i don't feel like i have won in anything and i already am having doubts that i will probably be struggling to get towards 1700 soon in my next classical event. there have just been so many outside factors and lack of a better healthy routine which just affects my skill relatively not just mentally but myself as a person physically. i think in my opinion the next few months will be the hardest as despite gaining rating with each event, i am just so insecure and very down on myself as i consider my efforts and performance to be just a failure, i lost.

there have been some highlights like the ratings and the surprising U2000 money prize but i think really again my efforts just aren't working hard enough and not much has really made me even happy. i have been playing now regularly at the USCF members chess.com club and well really am just enjoy the blitz time controls. i think having increment definitely allows for a much more smoother and clean game than for some messy time scramble where i don't feel proud.

i have appreciated many comments of the people who love me for who i am and i again am just really down currently, not feeling "accomplished or worth" of being considered a good player. i am still playing in more upcoming OTB events but my health is just feeling worse and worse with there being times where i probably am having a breakdown, feeling sick, and just really crushed internally from not chess but just how my real life has been. i once again would love to thank everyone for all their support but yeah i just really don't know what to feel, cheers guys

the next few months will be hard and ill try to notify you all of what's yet come stay safe