How to become a strategy and tactics genius
Introduction
1. Opening. Tips and Tricks
2. Middlegame
3. Endgame
Becoming a “genius of chess strategy and tactics” is the art of transforming a simple game into an epic canvas of intellectual suffering. Here is your “guide to the future great combinator”:
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OPENING
Dress code for playing chess: Choose a cap, put it on backwards (for aerodynamics while thinking) and sweatpants to make it comfortable to sit in the "thinker" position.
Spend 20 minutes thinking about your first move. When asked “Why so long?” answer: “I was evaluating the texture of the wood on the board.” A true strategist makes a move in the opening that your opponent would look for in textbooks for half an hour and not find. Make a move with a pawn on the edge of the board (h3 or a3) for no reason. This is called “limiting the dynamic potential of the enemy bishop.”
"Genius" Openings:
Forget about boring advice on center control. Your goal is total chaos:
The "Hyper-Chipmunk" Opening: Don't move any pawns in the center. Keep your pieces clustered on the last line. This will make your opponent think you're setting up a galactic trap.
Hyper-Chipmunk" Opening in all its glory
"London System" (For real geniuses): Make the same moves no matter what your opponent does. It looks very professional until you get a piece taken.
Sudden Chaos Tactics:
Always sacrifice the queen on move 4. If you win, you are a genius.
— You probably want to ask me: "Why I sacrificed a queen in exchange for a bishop?" The opponent is now in a panic: he doesn’t understand my plan, because even I don’t have one. And how can you defeat someone who acts outside the logic of the Universe?”
Strategic Maneuvers:
☆Knight Movement: Move your knight back and forth between two squares. Call it "dynamic anticipation of your opponent's surrender."
☆Castling: Castling only when the king is already in check and the board is burning. This shows your "steely determination.
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MIDDLEGAME
— "My young friend, chess is not a game, it is the geometry of the spirit! See that pawn on h3? It is not just a pawn. This is a sleeping monster that keeps the opponent's entire kingside in suspense just by the fact of its existence."
Strategy: Attack everything you see. If you don't see anything, activate your king, this is called "prevention".
Tactics: "Sacrifice for an idea": Casually sacrifice your queen to destroy your opponent's pawn, then proudly say: "That was a positional sacrifice to open the lines." The main thing is not to specify that the line opened directly on your empty throne.
The best strategy in the middlegame is to confuse the position so much that the endgame simply does not come.
Psychological pressure. Look your opponent straight in the eye after every move. If he looks away, he is broken. If he looks back, you may have just fallen in love, but the game must be played out.
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ENDGAME
If in the middlegame your monarch was hiding behind pawns like a debtor from debt collectors, then in the endgame he should become the Alpha male.
Tactics: Drive him to the center. Your king should push the enemy pawns like a bouncer in a nightclub. If he just stands in the corner, you are playing without a trump card.
If the position is hopeless, offer a draw with the appearance of doing your opponent a huge favor.
When you feel like your "genius" has reached its peak, it's time for the grand finale:
☆ Slowly reach out to the enemy king.
☆ Say a phrase that makes no sense but sounds profound: "The stars are cold for monarchs today."
☆ Don't just flip the king. Pick him up, look him in the eye, and carefully place him horizontally. Get up and leave the room without waiting for a reaction. Real geniuses don't look at explosions (and angry opponents)
