On the art of blogging.

The art of blogging, by Max Wolfe.

Throughout one's life one learns many things- be it cooking, juggling, chess, or perhaps a musical instrument. Blogging, however, is on another plane entirely. An effective blog is highly nuanced and subtly worded. Unostentatious elementary vernacularity is highly commendable and you have two craft well sentences so you adhere too good syntax. 

Furthermore, make sure to add diagrams and images to engage and entertain the reader. They need not be relevant. 

Starting a blog is often one of the hardest parts, except for the rest of the writing process. 

Here I shall outline some general advice for those looking to start a blog:

1. Write about things that you think other people will like, even if you find it boring. 

Readership is absolutely critical in the realm of the blogger- a successful blog is made by the number of readers and not the quality of writing or entertainment value derived from it. 

2. Set aside at least 8 hours a day for thinking about and writing blogs. 

A common misconception people have is that professional bloggers spend all of their time focused purely on blogging. This is not the case at all. In fact it is scientifically proven by me that the optimal time management strategy when looking to write a blog is to sit and stare at one's computer or writing paper until inspiration strikes. It is crucial that one allows at least 8 hours for this to occur. 

3. Your blog need not be of quality. 

To appeal to most readerships a blog should not surpass a certain quality threshold. In fact depending on one's readership one may be able to simply compile a plethora of visual media and place it one's blog. If in doubt of your writing ability you can always consider writing blogs for illiterate people. 

4. Do not worry about proofreading and/or editing your blog. 

Many aspiring bloggers are told to proofread their blogs. This is entirely unnecessary and severely diminishes the authenticity of one's blog. I don't proofread or edit me own bogs and it isn't hard too sea how well they read.   

5. To appeal to a wider audience, comedic literary devices such as satire are strongly advised against.

Last but not least, we have a note of crucial importance: Stay away from satire at all costs!

I cannot stress this enough, any humour one tries to implement in one's blog is often misconstrued and misinterpreted; people simply don't get it. 

Ok so, now you've sat yourself at your desk and you're ready to start your blog. In our brief overview above, the matter of topic was briefly covered. Let's take an in-depth view of this now. 

After a career in the blogging industry I have a few words of advice for those attempting to "think outside of the box". Simply, don't. The average person does not appreciate reading subject matter that doesn't compute easily in their minds. 

Here are some blog subject suggestions for those who are still reading:

1. "Why are giraffes so stupidly tall and why am I so short."

2. "I like chocolate."

3. Add a random image and write 'hi" 

4. "Why is Max so cool?"

5. Write about classified government information of national importance. 

6. "How to write a blog"

7. "Where does bread go when you put it in the toaster?" 

8. "Why I am smarter than you" 

9. "Top five worst Shakespeare characters" 

10. "A guide on buying sunglasses" 

If you stick to the rules I have outlined above you simply cannot go wrong in your blogging venture. 

Once you have chosen a topic, here I shall use the example "Where does bread go when you put it in the toaster?", it is time to start writing. 

Step one: Introduction. 

The introduction need not be lengthy, relevant, well written, or interesting. No one reads it anyway. 

"We are here today to discuss an age-old paradox- where does bread go when you put it in the toaster? Many great minds have pondered this issue and have come to the same conclusion. To paraphrase Aristotle: 'The toaster simply eats it up'." 

And there you have it, an effective introduction. We have presented our topic and briefly summarised what our take on it will be. 

Step two: 

Here is where the main discussion should take place, essentially this is the "filler" one must situate so as to lengthen one's blog. 

"Bread is a food item first discovered by dolphin tribes off the coast of Iceland. It is thought that many cultures developed bread independently and only when the toaster was invented in 600BC by the Babylonians did the world unify entirely under the sheer awesomeness of the discovery of toast."

Your first paragraph should essentially be an extension of your introduction but better. 

Time for the second paragraph: 

"The world, in the space of a couple of years, was soon entirely colonised by this new invention. The toaster was truly revolutionary.

It did not take long for philosophers to strike upon a question of universal importance, "What happens to the bread?" 

A theory first suggested by Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda proposed that the toaster acted as a portal of sorts, interfering with spacetime and thus warping reality. This conjecture was widely received with scepticism until Plato provided a mathematical proof showing that the weight of a feather is equal to that of a small piece of bread. " 

Once your second paragraph has been completed it is time to write a conclusion. Make it as long as possible so as to engage readers. 

"Toast is still unequivocally a paradox whose mystery has persisted into the modern age. Perhaps someday we shall know the truth" 

Perfect. Well done. 

Step three: 

Now the blog has been writ the only step left to be completed is that of publication.

Several options are available to you at this stage in your venture. I would recommend simply becoming famous and then starting a blog. Another alternative is making friends with a rich publisher. 

If these options are not available or you do not possess the social skill to make friends with millionaires there is another course of action at your disposal. Make an online webpage. 

Some general tips: 

1. Bright backgrounds including hot-pink, orange, and neon yellow or green are highly effective at engaging readers. 

2. White text should be used so as to avoid unnecessary visual clutter and contrast is recommended.

3. Make sure a paywall is implemented so your site appears sophisticated. 

4. Add images so you look like you know what you're doing. Here is one I found to start you off.

5. Web-address is important! Make your web-address as cool as possible. This includes adding little symbols and emoticons. Here are some provided for your convenience: 👻 ™ ℃ § Σ ∅ ∴ ♪ ☣

Here lies all the information you will ever need to write and publish a blog, I wish you all the best in this endeavour and may we meet again soon. 

"There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data." 

Thanks for reading and hasta la vista!