Joan of Chess – The (Mini) Musical
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this interactive mini chess musical. I hope you will all enjoy it.
The Setting
Imagine you are in a theatre full of people, just like in an olden age before the pandemic (remember that time?). People actors are playing out a chess scene. The position is as follows:
Black just played Bd4+. White King has to decide if he will move to h1 or f1. He ultimately goes for h1 square and then … oh horror! Black plays Nf2+:
ACT ONE
White King (speaking to the White Queen): “My darling, please forgive me. I have failed you and now you must die. I cannot jump squares, nor fly over pieces. I have no choice but to retreat to the g1 square. My prayers go to you, my love.” But the King doesn’t sound honest … There is something fishy about his decision to go to h1 as opposed to f1 a move earlier.
The entire white kingdom: “Noooo! Once the Queen falls, we will all die!” Speaking to the audience: “Do you see how?” All the white pieces start crying. “We cannot stop the threat of 21 … Ne4+, losing the Queen … and, thus, the game.”
But the Queen, the smart woman that she is, has a trick up her sleeve. She whispers something to the Knight on f4 and secretly passes a note to the Bishop on B2. Can you guess what the message is?
White Queen: “My King, your highness. It’s true, I will now die because of you, but the kingdom shall live. I have a confession to make. While you thought I was sitting on the throne drinking champagne all this time, I actually trained your army, while you were golfing and drinking beer. They will protect you and our children.” To the audience: “Have you figured out how?”
Black Queen blasts: “Ha, what are you a Joan of Arc?”
White Queen: “No, the Joan of chess! Prepare to die!”
Black Knight: “The audience – please gasp out loud and hold your breath!”
The White Queen is now moving towards the d4 square with a sword in her hand, singing Ava Max’s song “Kings & Queens:”
If all of the kings had their queens on the throne
We would pop champagne and raise a toast
To all of the queens who are fighting alone
Baby, you're not dancin' on your own
White Queen (to the audience): “Ladies and gentlemen, please find the song on your favourite music source, such as YouTube, and sing along!”
And with such words, she stabs the black Bishop on the d4 square to death. The Bishop falls in his blood pool, before he could even say a word.
Black Knight on F5: “Not so fast sister!” He jumps on the White Queen and stabs her to death in return.
White Knight on C3: “And now comes the blow!” The C3 Knight captures the Knight on e4 and poses a big threat. Can you see it?
Black has only one move to save his kingdom. The threat is, of course, for b2 Bishop to capture the Knight on d4. And if Black does nothing then white’s Knight will check on f6. Black King will retreat to h8 or g7 and White Knight will win Black Queen by going on e8 with discovered check.
Black’s only good move is the Pawn to f5, but the game is then even. It can proceed as follows: 23. … f5 (White is threatening Nf6+ followed by Ne8+ winning back the Queen) 24. Nf2 g5 25. N4d3 Nxb3 26. axb3 with about even position.
White’s Kingdom is saved!
ACT TWO
White King mourned his Queen for a few minutes. After that, he remarried one of his young servants (the d-pawn) who he promoted into a Queen. Together, they were very much in love. After most of the battle was almost over, there were only the two of them plus three other servants against the enemy King and his two servants. The game was played by two 2000+ rated players. White was surely winning. But then, something went wrong. Can you guess what?
Now, imagine a field full of daisies. Blue sky. White King and Queen are on a wild goose chase to capture the Black King. They are singing Coldplay’s Adventure of a Lifetime:
And if we've only got this life
And this adventure, oh then I
Wanna share it with you
With you, with you
Sing it, oh, say yeah
Woo-hoo (woo-hoo)
Woo-hoo (woo-hoo)
White King: “Wait, shall we stop for quick skinny dip in the lake?”
White Queen: “You naughty man. Let’s capture the enemy King first!” And off running they go, giggling in joy.
Black King: “You think you will get me?! Think again! This is chess. Anything is possible, mua-ha-ha.”
And just like that, the lives of White King and Queen end abruptly and unexpectedly, with a loud bang! Black King triumphs:
White ran out of time.
Black King walks over to the White Queen (the second wife) and takes something out of her pocket. It’s a note from the White King: “My love, d2 Pawnie. I have a plan to get rid of the Queen and make you mine. Forever in love with you.”
ACT THREE
Night time. Dark living room in a modern age house with a dim light. Middle aged woman is sitting at her laptop, frantically pounding the screen with her index finger. Her heart is racing at 1000 beats per minute, the sound of which is amplified 100 fold.
“Nooooo” she screams, all of a sudden. Her husband comes over, dressed in pajamas. He looks half asleep.
Husband: “I’ve been waiting for you.”
The woman: “You wouldn’t believe it! I was just 2 moves away from checkmating my opponent and I flagged! Ran out of time. 2 moves!! 2!”
Husband: “Are you going to be okay?”
The woman gets up and gives him a big hug: “I think so.”
Husband: “These hugs are always better when they are horizontal.”
The two lovebirds take their hands and walk away into the darkness. The woman sings City of Stars, from La La Land, Mia’s part. The man sings Sebastian’s part.
[Mia:]
City of stars
Just one thing everybody wants
There in the bars
And through the smokescreen of the crowded restaurants
It's love
Yes, all we're looking for is love from someone else
[Sebastian:]
A rush
[Mia:]
A glance
[Sebastian:]
A touch
[Mia:]
A dance
[Both:]
A look in somebody's eyes
To light up the skies
To open the world and send it reeling
A voice that says, I'll be here
And you'll be alright….
THE END
Note: This mini musical was inspired by the game I played on June 3, 2021 against an Indonesian player atinyu. It’s full of blunders but also excitement. You can view it here, if I can figure out how to share it:
