I Have a Clone to Pick With You

Mar 28, 2008, 1:18 AM |

Greetings, elucidationators.  I need to update you on my clone.  Over the years, as I explained in my initial blog entry, my clone has done a number of – countless, really – despicable things to me.  It’s bad enough that he’s made my life a living hell, but making matters worse is this fact: he refuses to publicly cop to any of the heinous acts.  When I press him to admit the treacherous misdeeds to my friends, he always plays dumb -- something he’s quite good at, I should add.  Despite actually being very cunning and erudite, he’ll strike a tone that is a cross between a robot and Slingblade.  All this leaves me as looking like I’m the one responsible for my own misfortune.


Yesterday, I struck upon an idea: I’d privately get my clone to acknowledge all the misery he’s visited upon me, while surreptitiously recording our conversation!  A great plan in principle, but as you’ll hear, the results were mixed, at best.  The problem?  My clone seemed to be hip to my plan to secretly tape our talk.  Regardless, I think the results are worth sharing with you, so here is the transcript of the conversation between my clone and me that I secretly recorded.


Pretty Go Pale: “Say, clone -- I was just thinking back about all the crazy things you’ve done to me over the years.  Haha.  Very funny stuff.  But you know, I just can’t recall everything that you’ve done to me.  Hey!  I have an idea!  Why don’t you help refresh my memory by recounting all those misdeeds.  That would be great!”


Clone: “Why are you recording our conversation?”


Pretty Go Pale: “What?  Recording our conversation?  I’m not recording anything – what makes you say that?”


Clone: “There is a small recording device in the flower pot – it has been engaged.”


Pretty Go Pale: “That isn’t a recording device.”


Clone: “No?  What is it?”


Pretty Go Pale: “It’s fertilizer.”


Clone: “Fertilizer?”


Pretty Go Pale: “Yes.”


Clone: “Hmmm.”


Pretty Go Pale: “Forget that – listen, can you help refresh my memory about all the sh!t you’ve done to me over the years?”


Clone: “I would like some hush puppies.”


Pretty Go Pale: “Hush puppies?  We just ate – you can’t be hungry.”


Clone: “I would like some hush puppies.”


Pretty Go Pale: “Screw the hush puppies – just admit to all the crap you’ve ever done to me.”


Clone: “Can we watch American Idol?”


Pretty Go Pale: “Nice.  Well, we COULD if you hadn’t talked me into hocking the TV so we could buy the pit bull.”


Clone: “That was a nice dog.”


Pretty Go Pale: “Hah!  That dog was a vicious monster straight from the loins of Satan himself.  He’d have ended up chewing out my throat if he hadn’t run away.”


Clone: “You scared the doggie away – now we have no pet or TV.”


Pretty Go Pale: “Well, we have each other, don’t we, pal.”


Clone: “Unintelligible.”


Pretty Go Pale: “Are you going to admit to the crimes against humanity that you have visited on me or not?”


Clone: “I would like some hush puppies.”


Pretty Go Pale: “Ahh, screw it!”


Clone: “Where are you going?”


Pretty Go Pale: “To turn off the fertilizer.”



Ok – there you have it.  My clone, as you can see, didn’t admit to a freakin’ thing – went straight into his “I’m a blank-slate simpleton” routine.  Hopefully, though, you saw right through it.  Should have been painfully obvious.  I’m not sure what to do next – I really need him to fess up publicly to all the things he’s done to me.  It’s the only thing that will help lift this black cloud from my life – help me heal.


Thanks for listening – I’ll stay in touch.