May 17, 2008, 3:54 AM |

“BE DONE WITH THEM!!” I say.  Enough with the same old, tired terms/names that the chess world has been stuck with for eternity.  I’m here to introduce a fresh set of terms/names for all things chess – embrace them and we’ll spark a movement that will revolutionize and modernize chess.


Here’s a list of the old terms/names and the new and improved versions:


STODGY, OLD & TIRED (SOT): Pawn:  What a tediously uninspiring name . . . and there are eight of the little MFs.  They deserve better.

NEW & IMPROVED (NI): Niblet: A fresh approach – give it a try.  Offer this warning to your next stodgy, old, tired opponent: “Don’t sleep on my niblets, bro – they will bring the pain!!”


SOT: Rook/Castle:  Boooooooring.

NI: Kegger:  Come on – the stumpy-looking dudes sorta look like kegs, and what could be better than a large, metal, beer-filled container of doom?!!  Tell your next living-in-the-past foe, “Big mistake, dude – now I’m gonna throw a kegger on your azz.  And once I tap it, it won’t be YOU who is drunk with power!”


SOT: Knight:  Ugggh.  “My knight is well-positioned to threaten your queen.”  I’m terrified – puh-leeeze.

NI:  Secretariat:  You want a horse?  Secretariat is the choice: Won the Triple Crown and took the Belmont by 31 lengths – that is simply kicking azz!!  Tell your next SOT opponent, “That isn’t thunder you hear, bro -- it’s Secretariat pounding the turf on the way to put a righteous hoof through your skull!!”


SOT: Bishop:  I feel embarrassed every time I have to say the word – Bishop.  How lame can you get?  The only GOOD Bishop was the android in the Alien movies, and even he got torn in half.  Hardly fear-inspiring.

NI: Bullet:  Looks sorta like a bullet and moves like one – a much better choice for a name.  Next time you’re squaring off against a SOT chess Neanderthal, lay down the law: “I’ve got a Bullet with your name on it, skeezer!”


SOT: Queen:  Come on – you have to be kidding me.  The most powerful piece of them all . . . Queen?  You see the Queen of England, do you shudder and think, “Oh no – her power has me shaking in my boots!”  Sweet Jesus, no.

NI: Mommie Dearest:  Now THIS is a name that inspires terror – a clothes hanger-wielding psychoholic slag, for sure.  Send your next SOT throwback into seizures with these words: “Mommie Dearest is coming down the hall and wants a word with you.”


SOT:  King:  The freakin’ Burger King is more frightening.  The MAN deserves a tighter moniker.

NI: Buckethead:  The clueless among you are saying, “Wtf?”  Get educated, bro – Buckethead has about the maddest chops around (link after the jump).  The “king” has a buckethead, so why not honor him appropriately by tagging him with the same name as the sick guitarist?  Tell your next SOT foe, “The party is almost over for you, and when I close you out, Buckethead will absolutely shred.  (Link:


SOT:  Castling:  Bah!!  Sounds like something the Jonesing, jet-setting, elitist class might do in the summer.  "Muffy and I will be castling around Europe in July."  Talk amongst yourselves while I puke my guts out.

NI:  The Electric Slide:  A much more entertaining description of the move.  Buckethead slides over two squares, and the Kegger slides over two squares – cute little dance – it’s The Electric Slide.  Use it to dance circles around your next SOT geezer.


SOT: En passant:  Your niblet exercises its most creative move – hell, its ONLY creative move – and it’s tabbed “en passant?”  Sad . . . and depressing.  “En passant, tea and a croissant.”  Pitiful.

NI:  Trap Door:  The niblet sidesteps the opposition niblet and springs the trap door.  Buh-bye, foe’s niblet.  Proper usage: "My niblet sprung a trap door on your azz!”


SOT: Check:  Dude – you’re threatening Buckethead – surely you can offer better than a meek: “check.”

NI:  Sssssss:  This one is tricky, because it’s a sound – but it’s what needs to be done every time you put Buckethead in the crosshairs.  Hold up two fingers (curved like snake fangs) and hiss like a snake.  “Ssssssss!”  Imagine if Fischer had done that to Spassky – the Russian would have crapped his drawers and headed for the exit.


SOT: Checkmate:  You just crushed your opponent and this is what you say?  Talk about a lack of satisfaction.

NI:  Eat It!:  Ohhhh, yeah!!!!  Now THAT is one satisfying way to tell your next SOT foe that you’re his daddy and he’d best tuck his tail between his legs and slink off into the shadows of abject humiliation.


That's all for now -- feel free to offer your own New & Improved chess terms/names -- it's for the good of the game, afterall.