So depressing!

Warning: obnoxious whining ahead.

I love chess, but I've gotta tell you, there is one thing about it that completely and totally blows (and I fear always will).

It sucks that every pretty much every game I will ever play ends up hinging on nothing but which player happens to make their massive senseless blunder first.

I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. I hate it on both sides (but we all know which side feels worse).

My second-to-last game:

No WAY should I have won this game like that. My crazy tricks should never have worked. But my opponent missed it so, I won.

Then my last game -- god, this is just humiliating --

It's like what was I thinking?, you know? Man, I poured my heart and soul into this game, fought as hard as I ever have to eke out every advantage, and finally was in what I was sure was a winning position, and then what do I do, I just throw it all away for no reason.

What is the point of knowing about back rank mates, practicing all the variations and the defenses and all that... if nothing you do can ever defeat your brain's innate insistence on inserting a random senseless blunder whenever it feels like it? (And what hope do I ever have for playing OTB when I do this even having as much time as I could ever need?)

Sometimes I look at a game like it's a work of art that my opponent and I are creating together. And then when something like this happens, it feels as if some horrible person grabbed that work of art, vandalized it, pissed all over it, left it a destroyed shell of what it was supposed to become... and that horrible person was me. I feel a palpable sense of grief.

I wish chess could still be chess, somehow, and yet not be so horribly unforgiving!