2100/21. Thoughts About Life N Chess.

Hello one and all, it's been awhile since I've wrote anything new on this. I don't know how long it's been exactly but I know it's been awhile. A couple of days ago I hit a new milestone of hitting 2100. It was my goal ultimately to get to 2100, by the time I turn 21. Which will happen in two hours as of the time of writing this. Also the release of the new fnaf movie which is why I picked this piece of art to go with it!

As I write this I am listening to a couple of songs with my headphones and nothing seems to match my mood. While I am of course proud of this achievement another part of my soul seems somber. I remember when I got to 1900, I thought that I was done. I remember I was talking to my 11 year old brother down stairs and I told him I likely was taking a break from chess, didn't know if I would ever pick it back up. And for the entirety of October last year I did not play a game. I might have briefly mentioned it in other articles, but I went through a break up where the last thing before that talk was me hitting play on a chess game. And that whole month while I was working at Amazon I would get off my shift... and I would look at the play button like it was taunting me. I got some closure talking to them on my birthday and tying up lose ends, and ultimately on my birthday I told myself

"I'm not gonna let this stupid mental block take over and prevent me from ever playing again." It was an end of an era and the first time I mourned the loss of what I perceived to be a purely good thing. I think a part of me that hoped they still would express some care would feel bad like I was punishing them just as much as myself. But once I started playing again I had decided that no matter how it went I was back. I think I ended up winning a couple of those games. That whole month last year I still watched chess stuff I just couldn't play it, and when I did watch it I felt nothing I was numb. Every recommendation I had, I just couldn't be bothered to care for it because it took me so long before I could play again. 

But once I came back I remember quickly getting to 2000. And once I got over that little block it quickly became a place of peace once again. I could get completely zoned in on it. There's a lot of things from the past that I wish was different whether it be friendships, relationships, or family matters. Though once I got to 2000 the level of fixation changed... Sure I had multiple things I was unhappy with, but when I put chess on I could push everything else out. My level of fascination with the game would override any other troublesome thought. 

And at the end of 2022 I was just tired. People all got along with me and that was awesome. But I still held back, whether it was to make myself more palatable for other people to get along with me. I don't think I ever had a conversation where I would let someone actually talk to the vulnerable side of me that wasn't a "lover" without putting a guard up. I'm not saying that I never talked about things, but if I did it was always a matter of fact. And I decided I can't do that anymore. My opinions don't make everyone happy, but I want the people around me to want to hang out with the Daylen that is there and not a hypothetical Daylen. 

I remember opening up and sorta telling my cousin Sean my stances on God, I grew up in the bible belt of America and don't identify really with what I was taught as a kid. And in many respects think some of the things I was taught just were awful in retrospect. (Though opinions may differ and I don't wanna derail this blog with political fights so I won't go into to much detail.) But it was nice knowing that my cousin was cool with me even if we didn't think the same. I was also homeschooled and in groups that were pretty in the bible belt sphere to so you can imagine growing up the emotional distancing you do just naturally because if people know that true you well the thought of someone close to me think im screwed for thinking different is just sad to me. 

But without it my life would be different. I remember my first serious chess game that was played my cousin Sean would take his little chess map to speech and debate club and me and him would engage in warfare. 

Which Sean if you're reading this had to take down a 2000 with the wayward queen attack just like you taught me! Haha I have actually done a deep dive into the opening ideas here and it's not just patzer play even Hikaru Nakamura has given it a legitimate try in real chess.

This is not a blog to go into a deep dive about chess games that I've played getting to 2100, I sorta did that with other milestones but I can't be bothered to tell the truth. There was only one time I seriously thought I was going to end up here. When I was 15, in North Carolina doing a speech and debate tournament with my cousin, I think I might have told him I'd be a very strong player one day. I don't know if he had a clue about how serious I was. I told him how I'd release books in my superhero high school series that I had been working on for a long time. And I did. I think my time frame like any 15 year old was mindbogglingly liberal thinking I'd be this hot shot chess player at 16. Thinking I'd have books under my belt already. And while it might not have been the fastest... I got there. Though in another world where I got more of what I used to "want" I might have not learned a lot about myself. My mind was so fractured about what I was doing, where I was supposed to go. I pretty much thought I had everything figured out, and the basis of what I want since 12 years old it hadn't even ever occurred to me to reassess till this year. And I think the hardest part was I have known for a very long time I wanted to be an author (which I am.) but... I had to have a very difficult talk with myself.

Something in me had changed. I realized with books I loved the final result, what was able to be held at my hand but I fell out of love with the process and I had a scary realization. If my books never take off the process alone isn't all that fulfilling to me anymore. I remember when it was, but it simply isn't anymore. Which is probably why I have several unfinished projects on the shelf where I don't know how to continue them, where I went astray. But with chess... Even if it destroyed me, and I was lost let's say in park not knowing where to go, the process alone even without it being contingent on a result is one of the few things in this world where I feel happiness without questioning it. 

And the unspoken understanding between chess players... our work ethic, the struggles you know all strong players go through when I'm around those people even if I've hardly interacted it's something where I can feel like I've known someone for years even if I just met them. And that sense of belonging I don't feel many areas. In the churches in my youth I knew I was the odd ones out if people saw behind my supportive face, in the homeschool groups I didn't see myself as "one" of them per say. And the relationships I've had romantically I prioritized over all the friendships I had and when they're gone, it's just you. And chess is something that has made me feel like I've had someone even when nobody was present. 

My heart from a young age had been pretty closed off. When I was around 11-13 had a friend which I'll just call "Vanilla" and considering this is a kids site I won't go into detail but the last thing of them was some maybe last goodbye. I don't know maybe they are out there somewhere. It was an online friend that just vanished that I had invested my emotions into where I cared about them. Talked every day and then one day they're just gone. Same with two other people who were close to me. And unconsciously there's this lingering thought "Push and reject others before they ever have the chance to be the one to do it to you." Really I'd say only 2 people in my life have hurt me on a deep level where I'll even acknowledge it left an impact. 

This only made worse by the fact I grew up with a 'father' if you can call em that, who wasn't a stand up guy let's say and growing up not being able to do anything you just do what you gotta do to survive. And I think often about how I was so good at being able to distance myself even from my own thoughts that from an outside perspective someone or something I thought was detestable, someone could look at my interactions with them and mistake it for friendship or comradery, when I'd have to inherently be a pretty morally bankrupt person to allow any feelings like that for those not so happy things to come up.  

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. But I think the tonal shifts in this sorta convey how I'm feeling. Of course there is the excitement that I can brag that I have 100 elo per year alive, and I've achieved 2100 at least once which many people can't claim. Yet what this means for everything else is very unclear. A sense of community if that is what chess is to me, what happens once it stops being that? Will something I've spent so much time to just be a footnote in a bigger story? Is this the story that I as the writer should ink into existence? If it is, would it be a story of hubris and ego being dismantled by an overzealous 20 year old setting unrealistic expectations for himself?

Do I overcome everything really make a name for myself in this world of 64 squares? I remember talking to someone and they asked me if I was ever going to be a titled player and I just very confidently told them back "No amigo, when I'm a titled player." It came out of me with such certainty despite me not really thinking about it before at least not in the affirmative. In that moment very briefly I had convinced myself. And when I think of these scenarios it's like an unclear chess position. I ask myself okay. "So if I get all these moves in so what?" would I be happy? Would happiness as a goal be worth pursuing if the answer was yes? Considering my OTB results I would say are mediocre at best if I really chased that and it failed would I be able to handle the anguish? If I distanced myself from this completely and just gave it up, and came back in a year would it ruin all the progress I've made by being so active? 

And the truth is I don't know the answers to those questions. A part of me wants to be a glass cannon. And just find a way to brute force it. But I might not be able to. I already figure I probably need to get back to work and save a ton of cash for more serious tournaments if this is an end goal I wanna pursue. Though with inconsistent results it's hard to justify going all in like that. Of course if I went that path it would be in the future as I'm not currently in a position to do that. 

As you can see from this draw against a 2200 I can play a competent game of chess. My blitz and bullet games might say otherwise. But when I have time and I'm in the right head space I can play and give my opponents little to no advantage when I feel comfortable with my position.

Heck. I can even find some really cute ideas. Very cute ideas! This is one of my best wins against Gary an OTB rival in some random online game. So I feel like I am sharp as ever at times, though I am still struggling.

And yet... The game that made me a 2100, it was a fantasy caro-kann. But it was a patzer move that let me win the game. A move that most people above 1400 wouldn't play and I have to laugh. A part of me gets nervous too when I set milestones like this, it seems like sheer bad luck of my opponent as that game was not one through a rigorous battle of wits, but through one careless move. Considering I hit my goal early I had played a couple other games I didn't want to just be 2100 on the dot and get there because of technicality. I had gotten as high as 2115.

In my heart I want to believe that within the next couple years there will be a little IM tag next to my name. If not GM, that I will legitimately be playing at amazing strength. But as a late bloomer and someone who started at 15 the chances of that happening I know the odds might not be in my favor. Especially as the younger generation soaks up how engines play chess better than I could ever. I'm trying to get everything in order. I should be happy though, I've hit a major milestone, if I compare where I was mentally at 20 compared to where I'm starting at 21 I've grown a lot as a person. I understand myself in a way I never really explored. I've had a lot more quiet moments with just me this year and I've learned more what it means to be a "Daylen" as an independent value as it's own metric.

I know what it means to be Daylen outside of "Daylen the older responsible brother, Daylen the boyfriend, Daylen the peace maker(when friends fight and such.)" I know more who I am outside of all that and who I am just on an individual level. And I hope that trend continues where I feel like I'm learning not just about chess but about myself too. Selfishly I hope that my chess rating grows to 2200 before 22, but only time will tell. This blog was a bit all over the place and I apologize for that. 

I suppose one more thing I should add for those wondering since if you look at my games I got all those points and leaped out of the 2000s so quickly was the day I got it I just couldn't stop myself from playing. I had played an OTB tournament where I had lost all my games before where it was hardly even close in a lot of them and I was so urked... that I had to prove that I knew how to play this game. I had a chip on my shoulder in a way that I hadn't for a long time when playing. Failure wasn't an option. There was only one way things could end in many of those games and that was mate. There was no ifs and or buts about it and that day against most opponents I was invincible through sheer hubris. I wish I knew how to activate that on a whim but I sadly am not able to. If I was then you wouldn't hear me ranting and raving about the past and you'd see me with the likes of Magnus and Hikaru, heh. I can dream. Anyway. 

Writing so late and the existential dread of getting one step closer to the grave + all the memories and things in my life I reflect on well, it just has me thinking and has my mind a bit all over. I am like this even when I'm not actively reminding myself that I'm one step closer to death's door. For everyone that's been supportive of the journey I appreciate it and hope all of you have had chess as a useful processing tool in more than just the immediate 64 squares.

-Signing off.