Fifty Shades of Sicilian: What Your Chess Opening Says About You

“We are what we repeatedly play.” Not Aristotle, but definitely someone who spent 6 months prepping a novelty on move 3.

Your chess opening is more than a way to start the game. It’s a diagnostic tool for your personality. You say you play the London because it’s “solid,” but deep down, you just want to control something in your life. 

Today, I, @Deepsealore, break down what your opening choice says about you, psychologically, emotionally, and, subjective to your individual emotional stability, too truthfully. 

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Disclaimer (A personal note from me)

Please be advised that the following information is not for everyone. I will roast you so hard, you may begin to cry. Note that it is totally normal to feel strong emotions after everything about your personality is exposed by me.

Also, much appreciation to @VOB96 and @KevinSmithIdiot for giving me feedback on the thumbnail whilst I was developing it. 

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The Sicilian Defense
“I came to burn the board, not shake hands.” -Sicilian players

Personality: Alpha energy. Mix of caffeine and self-belief.

Psych Profile: High in openness, high testosterone regardless of gender, and allergic to symmetry.

You don’t play the Sicilian to equalize. You play it because therapy is expensive and you like solving your problems with violence on move 3. You don't fear complications, you invite them in, offer them tea, and strangle them until your opponent's Queen is forked.

Real-life version of you: Day trader. Wear sunglasses indoors. Argues for fun.

 Me destroying you: For players who'd rather die in theoretical hellfire than play something normal and admit they fear 1.e4 like the rest of us.

Sicilian players' houses while they are playing. (Once they're done, everything goes back to normal of course)
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 The London System
“My positions are the same as my life: boring but unbreakable.” -London players

Personality: Calm. Unshakeable. Slightly judgmental.

Psych Profile: Sky-high conscientiousness, medium social energy, possibly too emotionally stable for online chess.

The London isn’t an opening, it’s a spiritual alignment. You sip English Breakfast tea while constructing a pawn pyramid of slow mutual destruction. You don't win by force, you win by watching your opponent fall asleep after slowly realizing they’ve wasted 40 minutes achieving nothing. 

Real-life version of you: Meal-preps. Ironed clothes. Voted early.

Me destroying you: The London System: for players who gave up on ambition, creativity, and happiness. All in one opening.

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 The French Defense

“I hate my bishop. . . and probably my life too. . . but I’m okay with that.” -French Players

Personality: Stubborn. Deep thinker. May have a moral code.

Psych Profile: High grit, high tolerance for positional depression. Believes every bad position has a redemption arc.

You play the French not because it's popular, but because you believe in long-term character growth, for you and your trapped bishop. Your games look like trench warfare and feel like slow-cooked revenge.

Real-life version of you: Watch documentaries about obscure wars. Refers to pawns as “loyal soldiers.”

Me destroying you: The French Defense: the only opening where players build their own coffin before the first 10 moves and happily lie inside because they know they are going to die anyway.

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The King’s Indian Defense
“You get the center. I get your soul. Sounds like a deal.” - King's Indian players

Personality: Romantic. Strategic. Slightly unhinged in a poetic way.                                       

Psych Profile: Emotionally intense. Long-term planner. Has a flair for tragic comebacks.

You allow your opponent a beautiful center just so you can tear it down with a rook lift and a whispered “now.” Your games read like Shakespeare with a time control.

Real-life version of you: Has a journal titled Tactics & Feelings. Believes in fate and the f5 push.

Me destroying you: Nothing says "trust the process" like getting steamrolled on the queenside while praying your h-pawn attack works in 12 moves.

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 The Bongcloud
“Your bullets cannot harm me, I’m already dying.” -Bongcloud player

Personality: Meme-lord. Chaos-bender. Icon or menace, no in-between.

Psych Profile: High openness, low shame. Disregards social norms for the sake of content.

You march your king on move two, not because it’s good, but because the world is burning and you're just here to make it fun. Your opponent thinks it’s a joke. It is. But the punchline is you still win.

Real-life version of you: Posts memes at 3AM. Wears Crocs everywhere they go. Terrifies your therapist.

Me destroying you:
The Bongcloud is not an opening. It’s a cry for help disguised as performance art.

(Note: I know you do not play the Bongcloud (hopefully, at least), I just thought it would be a nice addition.)

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 The Queen’s Gambit 
“I didn’t come to entertain, I came to make you suffer for 60 moves in silence.” - QG players

Personality: Stoic. Dignified. Doesn’t blink.

Psych Profile: High discipline, medium risk appetite, low need for attention.

You play the Queen's Gambit because it works. You build perfect pawn structures and sit behind them like a smug accountant watching someone else’s audit collapse. You're not here for flair, you’re here for results.

Real-life version of you: Drinks black coffee. Types 80 wpm in Excel. Feels nothing during blitz.

Me destroying you: People who looked at the excitement of chess and said, “What if I sucked all the fun out and just stared at symmetrical pawn structures for 40 moves?”

.                   Describing a depressed victim of a Queen's Gambit. 'I just stared into open space, wholly depressed.'

(Note: I play the QG, so I guess this applies to me?)

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Bonus Round: The Psychology of Opening Choice
Yes, I know, you are probably crying, but there’s truth behind the comedy, and how I came up with each roast:

Tactical openings like the Sicilian or King's Indian attract high-energy, novelty-seeking brains that crave reward and risk. Positional openings like the London or Queens Gambit appeal to methodical minds that value control, planning, and long-term advantages. Gambits and meme openings (Bongcloud, Englund, etc.) reflect personalities high in creativity and willing to sacrifice structure for expression.

Your opening isn’t just prep. It’s a lens into your cognitive wiring.

 Conclusion: What Opening Are You?
Your opening is a vibe. A confession. A public service announcement about your emotional stability. So whether you’re dragging your king out early or memorizing 40 London lines just to win an endgame a pawn up, please remember: you are not just playing chess. You are expressing yourself, with violence, structure, or memes.

If you play the Dutch… we respect you, but we’re watching from a safe distance.

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Comment below which opening you are, unless it’s the Alekhine. In which case, we don’t want to hear from you.

 @ALondonInVienna requested a roast specifically for himself, and that the one in the second paragraph.

Thanks for reading!

@Deepsealore