The bed

The bed

Dec 1, 2017, 11:55 AM |

Ever wonder why you can't actually order a goddamn bed?


Like the time you were on Google and that led you to Amazon and you ordered one bed. And then one bed multiplied to two bed?


I do.


And as much as I hated using I because of the grammarians that taught me just that, proper grammar having all and full weight, we are left to ponder of the ubiquities of man. I mean couches. Where are my manners?


So, here we are? You the reader looking at this nonsensical story and me the writer trying to tell it. 

I would have thought it was a dreary night. But the truth was it was just last month. I had decided that the cold floor would do no damn longer. So it was time to purchase a real bed. I had perused at least 7 beds by my count. And to nobody's surprise, I am not a box person, person. Even when I was younger I could not stand the springs. Not comfortable at all in my mind. And so it was time to purchase the bed. Let's skip to the good parts shall we, so you don't sit there with your tea or beverage and it gets North Pole cold. Hey, it is almost friggin' Christmas. So you haven't gone to go on Youtube or Netflix yet, have you? I would be oh so offended by such practices.


I am on Amazon about to purchase the bed and then I realize I don't really have the money yet. Yes, I did what any good shopper does. I shopped around for other material needs. I want Final Fantasy 15 I said countless times, was this the damn day? No.

I went back two days later to the bed. There it was an 8-inch cold memory foam Bamboo bed. And previous to even buying the bed I lived in Superior for a month and a half. Ah, yes, my old nemesis the coach showed up. This is not the same Nemesis in the much awesome game called Resident Evil. Time to digress.  I spent a year and a half on that damn red couch. I see it now stained into the innermost part of my cerebellum or is it the frontal lobe? I had gone from the before time to a futon at my parent's house. And that just hurt the back. I downgraded. Damnit all. And this story is so hard to keep PG. So expect slip-ups. Shit!


I was ready finally to hit buy. It does not matter how much the bed cost. All that mattered was the day was upon me. It descended upon me like a meteoroid descends upon the Earth or spacecraft.  I hit buy and I to my astonishment no processing of the bed went through. It denied my credit card. I was like what the hell? Why? WHY? WHY KRATOS? WHY ARTEMIS? WHY ARISTOTLE? WHY YAHWEH? WHY GOD? WHY GREEN BEAN MAN? So naturally, I was pissed. It gets worse. Far worse. I then decided the next day that there was still no bed. So, I ordered the bed. It went through. I was happy as a clam that lives in Spongebob's world. But there was a problem. It ordered two!

I had class and returned. I was so busy I missed cancelling the bed. A couple days passed and the one bed morphed to two. I was in deep shit. And not only that I was dog tired from school.


I didn't know what was to come in the coming days. But it was odd, to say the least. The first event that happened was this: It said the bed arrived. I looked for it in an anticipatory fashion. No bed. I looked for the second as I did the first. Nothing. I was like what in the blimey? Where were the beds? Nothing. I was angry. The next couple of days passed and I was still angry. I finally called the Post Office. But it was on a holiday. Sunofabitch. the guy wasn't even a worker. He was probably the janitor. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I could not catch a break.


I tried the next day and decided to take matters into my own hands. Because you know that always works. Right? Doesn't it? Are you telling me it doesn't? Oh, you gotta be kidding me! I drove to the post office and was feeling great. They had to have it right? I went and stood in line. Gleefully, I had a wide-ass smile, I was determined to get the bed. It was my time. It was my time. "I moved to a new place. Here is the tag for the bed." I said happily.  "Sir, this is not for the Post Office. This is a UPS tracking number." the Post Office lady said. "Um, okay," I said defeated. I was so angry. I was so goddamn angry at this point. I did not care about the birds flying above me or the busy Post Office customers. I stormed out. I had one more solution. It was to call Amazon. I called Amazon and an Indian man told me to stay on hold. Great! Great! Great! Now I am fed up. But then he said he was willing to refund both beds. Both of them. It was the best news I heard in weeks. But I was still sad about the bed. I just imagined me lying on the bed and having a good night's rest. Which I have entered R.E.M. sleep but I was on a couch for a full year AND A HALF! So just visualizing made me feel better. I left a little bit better but still angry. Now I needed some sort of makeshift bed. I needed a blow-up mattress. Anything. I was desperate. So I went with my roommate to Target and bought an air mattress. Actually, it was my roommate and our friend. Long story very short we got an air mattress.

But...the most peculiar happenstance ended up happening. In the craziest ending to a story, something magical defied all reason. I had my air mattress in one hand and got to the first step but noticed something unusual.  I had told the Amazon rep earlier that I actually sent the beds to the wrong address. I should have included this earlier in the story. It was the right zip code but the wrong place. So the address it was sent to was the bottom floor. I shrieked! It was there. I read the label. That was my bed! It was and my roommate grabbed it and he carried it up the stairs. We got to the front door and I did not want to open it.  I just wanted to take in this moment. And then like a kid on Christmas I tore the bastard open. I was so happy I didn't even use a knife. Even beforehand I started freaking out in the most cheerful of ways not knowing what to do. How was I going to do this? Would it just be the sweetest way ever or would I be aggressive to get it open? Thoughts raced through my mind about how to do it. Methodically? Aggressively? Attack ! Attack! or just nothing. I finally decided a knife was the best option. Open it up with a knife and cut the plastic off. Let the bed breathe. Aw, let it breathe. And when it was all said and done. I lied down on it in comfort, looking back at the insanity that befell me before. Just knowing that in the craziest circumstances the bed was delivered. I still don't know how but it was a miracle. And that is my tale ladies and gents. And this is one of many stories that happen in my insane, hectic-filled life that comprises my life. Insanity. I hope you had a great read and are now thoroughly befuddled by what you read. The amazement that was my Bamboo bed journey.