Can croissants play chess?

April 1, 2025 — Paris, France

In a stunning culinary and intellectual breakthrough, researchers at the Institut National du Jeu de Pâtisserie have announced that croissants can, in fact, play chess.

The discovery came after a series of experiments in which freshly baked croissants appeared to “prefer” strong opening principles, such as controlling the center and developing knights before bishops.

Lead researcher Dr. Marie Feuillet described the moment of realization:

“We noticed that one croissant repeatedly rolled itself toward the e4 square. At first, we thought it was gravity. Then we realized—this was strategy.”
 
🧠 How Do They Think?
Unlike humans, croissants don’t have brains. They think using what scientists are calling a “laminated intelligence structure”—layers of buttery logic separated by thin films of strategic reasoning.

According to early data, butter content directly correlates with Elo rating. A standard store-bought croissant plays around 400 Elo, while a freshly baked Parisian croissant can reach IM strength before cooling down.

The French Chess Federation has already proposed a new tournament section:
“Boulangerie Blitz – 3 Minutes + 2 Crumbs.”

 
♟️ Opening Preferences
Croissants appear to favor:

The French Defense, naturally.
The Vienna Gambit, for its buttery flair.
And occasionally the Napoleon Attack, though results are flaky.
When asked about endgames, Dr. Feuillet admitted,

“Most croissants don’t make it to the endgame—they’re usually eaten midgame by the opponent.”
 
🤖 A Crumb of Controversy
Chess engines have struggled to evaluate croissant play accurately. Stockfish reportedly crashed after analyzing a croissant’s opening choice, returning only the message: ‘0.00 — delicious.’

Meanwhile, Magnus Carlsen has commented on X (formerly Twitter):

“I lost to a croissant once. It had white. I had brunch.”
 
🏁 Final Verdict
Category
Humans
Croissants
Rule Understanding
✅
❌
Flakiness
⚠️
✅✅✅
Opening Prep
✅
✅ (French Defense only)
Shelf Life
Long
Short but buttery

So no, croissants probably can’t play chess—but on April Fools’ Day, anything’s possible.

And if your opponent starts crumbling under pressure, now you know why. 🥐♟️