Tips to become a Grandmaster!!!
1) Channel your inner Joseph before the round
2) Offer a draw on move 1 against higher rated opponents to piss them off.
3) Give your opponents gifts to get in their head.
4) Remove your opponent's glasses so that they can't see.
5) Tell your opponent that you beat a Grandmaster in the previous tournament.
6) Pull up your engine on the board. If they accuse you of cheating, say that the Engine was cheating.
7) Bribe or Blackmail the TD.
8) Eat your feelings for breakfast so that you don't give away any obvious expressions.
9) Bribe or Blackmail your opponent.
10) Preach under Sensei Joseph Truelson
11) Kill your opponent and then start his clock. If accused by the Police, tell them that rating is the meaning of life, and therefore your rating is as important than your opponent's life.
12) In winning positions, say, "I offer you a dr- your resignation." Believe it or not, around 1/2 the times, your opponent will accept, not fully grasping the meaning of your exact words.
13) Sing lullaby's and get them to sleep.
14) Crush a bug, flick it on the table, and yell, "that's you my friend," to your opponent.
15) Erase your opponent's scoresheet and show a false copy proving that you won.
16) Drink water and say "Aah" every 5 minutes.
17) When your opponent gets out of the board, make your move. When they come back hit the clock on your side. They will suspect that it's your turn and leave. Then hit the clock back on your side. Do this process about 5 times. If you do it for longer, it might become suspicious.
18) Do the Rar
19) Change the time on your opponent's clock when they're out of the board.
20) Tie a blindfold around your opponent.
With these 20 Smart and helpful tips you should become a Grandmaster within a year. If you don't, then call this number so that we can discuss on how you can improve. 425-773-1916 Psych! That's the wrong numba!!!!! See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!