You’re Not Bad at Bullet Chess: You’re Playing These 10 Personalities
This post was inspired by a casual 300-point rating loss in one day.
You know, the kind that makes you question your life choices.
Instead of feeling frustrated, I thought to look at this with some humour.
I realized that I started noticing a pattern: it’s not just chess when you’re playing in bullet. You’re playing characters.
So I thought: what are the typical kinds of players that I’m playing against?
After 22K+ games on Chess.com, certain “player types” start to feel... familiar.
So let me introduce them to you.
10. Benny the Neon Psychopath
Always uses a cursed board theme: neon pink, Sudoku tiles, Batman logos.
You can’t see the pieces.
They see everything.
9. Super Mario
Blunders a queen.
Activates god mode.
Suddenly plays like Magnus Carlsen after eating a mushroom.
8. The Mouse Click Warrior
Wins on 0.1 seconds with flawless last-move precision.
You didn’t lose the position.
You lost the hands.
7. The Mouse Click Clown
Same speed. Same accuracy.
Still loses.
A tragic masterpiece.
6. The AFK Samurai
Plays a game - a really decent one, most of the time - and then stops, as if got to play against several other bullet games simultaneously.
And you sit there, letting the timer go to 0 likes this: *___*
5. The Delay Demon
Joins the game 10 seconds later, when the red timer thingy starts counting down the disconnect sequence.
Proceeds to outplay you badly though.
4. The Premove Gambler
Lives by the premove, dies by the premove. These players dominate 50% of games, while other 50% look like tragedy.
3. Laggy Larry
When they play, out of a sudden, your PC starts acting funny.
Even though the signal strength shown is the highest (all 4 bars are on), you sense your PC/laptop/phone works extra to just operate.
Oh, and you got flagged, gg.
2. Chat Picasso
Occasionally, you get to meet players, regardless of how the game progresses, who happen to show their exquisite level of communication mastery by leaving brief yet deep remarks in the chat box like: 😭😛💩
1. The Theory Bot
Plays 15 moves of theory near instantly. Collapses when you play Ra4 on move 6.
