I'm accusing Kramnik of cheating

Hello everyone!

I'm closely watching over the recent cheating scandal with Kramnik and Nakamura. I was deeply impressed and inspired by Vladimir's words that no one should be above the law. That means that Vladimir himself should be checked too!

My rapid chess rating on chess.com recently has reached an incredible 900 elo. So I firmly believe that I could be considered not only an expert in chess but in mathematics and statistics too.

So I decided to make an expert council to determine if Kramnik is a cheater or not. The council consists of myself, an expert in mathematics and statistics, an expert in astrophysics, an expert in psychology, an expert in neurobiology and my cat (the last five is the same person).

Unlike the mysterious mathematicians which Kramnik and chess.com all refer to, our lead expert Pasha not only agreed to share his name but also his photo which you can see above the title of this post. I'm sure that this proves that the credibility of our expert council is over9000 levels higher than Kramnik's or chess.com's.

We conducted the following investigation. We looked at Vladimir's streaks over a certain period of time and calculated the performance. We chose 1st and 2nd of September of 2023. Firstly because I'm too lazy to include more. Secondly because our lead expert lied on top of my keyboard and refused to leave until the end of the investigation.

The result of this thorough investigation was astonishing. In just two days Kramnik had one streak with 4 out of 4, one streak with 2 out of 2 and THREE streaks with 1 out of 1. And the performance of ALL these streaks is the INFINITY!!!1111 You can easily check this yourself. Our extremely competent expert council decided that these results is irrefutable evidence of Kramnik's cheating.

Once again, our concil's credibility is over9000 levels higher than Vladimir Kramnik's or chess.com's. So we can consider your arguments against our verdict ONLY if you send a translated to pre-revolutionary Russian and notarized copy of your PhD diploma in mathematics and statistics to our councill so our lead expert can verify it's authenticity. Otherwise your comments will simply be ignored.

Also I must note that I receive lots of emails from anonymous shamans, warlocks and other dark magic users from all over the world. They all say that there is a high probabilty that Vladimir Kramnik during the World Chess Championship in 2000 performed a mass mind manipulation using some dark magic and made all people in the world believe that he defeated Kasparov and became the World Champion which never occured in reality. I believe that this matter should also be investigated.

And the last thing. While closely watching over the chess cheating scandal between Kramnik and Nakamura I ate too much popcorn and gained a lot of weight which negatively affected my health. So I'm a going to file a lawsuit to Kramnik in Galactic Empire Civil Court to compensate the damage inflicted on my health and execute Order 66.

That's all for today. Thank you!