Soul Searching - part 1

SO ...

It is time to take stock of my life both on and off line. This is gonna take some time so please bear with me.

Offline - I am a single mum of 3 boys, 16, 18 and 24 year olds, and they are great. They don't help me as much as I would like but that is the nature of boys in general. As someone told me yesterday " I'm a man I need constantly reminding of when to do things it's nothing personnel but it's inbred into the male genes women nag men react been that way for century's Donna"  and maybe that is my point but we will get to that. 

I am also registered disabled due to a severe problem with my hips and lower back. This means I struggle to walk, climb stairs, do everything a mum is expected to do. I know that every time someone comes in my house, I am consciously aware that my house is a mess. More than a mess. It is an absolute bomb site!! I hear you saying "get it fricking cleaned up then..." and yes I WANT to but being disabled means I am less able to stand for any length of time so it makes any effort I make a drop in the ocean.

Then on top of that I started developing some symptoms which I didn't recognise. Long story short 2 doctors - at the hospital and the emergency out of hours doctors - both missed it, convinced that I had a persistent yeast and water infection. 

My GP finally found a lump in a very sensitive area (you are gonna have to message me privately for more details) and has hinted that it could be cancer. He did say that there is a very good chance it isn't but getting this news 2 days before Christmas has left me absolutely devastated. He is rushing an urgent referral through to gynaecology and they will be able to tell me more. Till then the uncertainty is looming over me. 

Also offline is the fact that I am a college student doing a course I had convinced myself would be a walk in the park. 3 A Levels in Psychology, Sociology and Criminology. Well to say I thought I was doing well shows how easy I thought it would be. WRONG!! I breezed my first essay gaining a merit which is just one step down from a distinction. 2000 words in 36 hours. Got it done just before midnight of the day it was due. "Great" I thought!! 

Then came the lockdowns and our lessons were so few and far between that it has left me unprepared for the next 3 essays that were due on the 4th and 8th January. On top of that I had to rewrite some of my second essay and that deadline was Christmas day. Remember my saying that I got my bad news of the lump on 23rd? Yeah that means that my rewrite never got done. 

So right now I am 3 1/2 essays behind. On top of my mental health regarding my disability, my cancer scare, the constant pain I am in from the lump itself... Too much offline crap!! I am even contemplating quitting my course right now but I need a meeting at college before I make any decisions on that. 

Then we move to online.

169 clubs, Admin/SA in 140 of them (yes I just counted them all) and that includes running 4 leagues with @AndrewSmith16 and co running another 2. In them clubs, also, is a number of leagues that I don't run. However, as part of them leagues. I am co running a number of teams that are all signed up to them. Various clubs in various leagues, team matches, vote chess, live matches ... you get the picture. So in any given week I can be sending / accepting team match / vote chess challenges that has been known to far exceed 50 challenges. 

I am currently playing in 175 vote chess games (of which I am captain in almost all of them), playing 77 daily games, playing live matches and tournaments several times a week. 

Now you may be asking yourself "what does this have to do with me?" well nothing at all. This is all about me. 

2 days ago I took a day off, to get a much deserved rest. I logged in that morning but then spent the rest of the day doing absolutely naff all. Did I deserve it? Damn right I did!! 

Then I logged in yesterday to find that one of my vote chess games had timed out. We had 10 people in that game and 8 admins (2 SA and 6 admins) in the club. And nobody made a vote so it timed out. Yes it was a league game, yes, I am passionate about vote chess, yes I have a system that prevents any of my games timing out. 

You will be saying at this point "so what it is just a game..." "It is just one game out of 170+" 

That makes not a jot of difference right now. It comes down to the fact I have spent over 12 1/2 years building up a reputation for not timing out anywhere!! 

It is also coming down to the fact that sooo many clubs rely on me so heavily that I am finding it hard to break free. And go on, say it, just leave some... Oh I will be doing today. Which clubs? I have no idea yet. But one thing I do know is that I need a rest, not just a few hours, or days but to break free from so many commitments that keep me tied here. 

It has NO reflection on who owns them, who runs them, or even who I am friends or not with. 

I just needed to say it all out loud cuz I am drained and I need to do this before I burn out completely and end up quitting the site.