The Dharma of Doritos

Interviewer: Mr. Bodhi-Crunch, your company’s products have been linked to rising rates of heart disease, obesity, and existential dread. How do you respond?

CEO: Ah, yes. The suffering. The samsara of sodium. But you see, our crisps are not merely snacks—they are teachings. Each bag is a koan. A riddle. A path to awakening.

Interviewer: A path to awakening?

CEO: Indeed. When the consumer reaches into the bag, they are reaching into the void. They seek satisfaction, but find only emptiness. This is the Dharma! The First Noble Truth: Life is suffering. The Second? Crisps will not save you.

Interviewer: But your ads say, “One bite and you’re whole again.”

CEO: Marketing is illusion. Maya. We are merely reflecting the craving back to the consumer. Our flavours—Artificial BBQ Enlightenment, Sour Cream Samsara—are mirrors of desire.

Audience Member (a monk): Isn’t this… exploitation?

CEO: No, no. It’s liberation. Every time someone binge-eats our product and feels shame, they are confronting the ego. The illusion of control. We are accelerating their path to non-attachment.

Interviewer: So the diabetes epidemic is… spiritual?

CEO: Precisely. We call it Type 2 Transcendence™. Our new line of glucose-monitoring meditation apps will guide users through their insulin spikes with loving awareness.

Interviewer: And the shame?

CEO: Shame is the gateway to humility. Our packaging now includes QR codes linking to Zen poetry and affirmations like: “You are not your cravings. You are the crunch.”

Audience Member (shareholder): Will this increase quarterly profits?

CEO: Absolutely. Enlightenment is scalable.