Your economy needs you

Public service announcement 

Good afternoon, citizens.

This is a gentle reminder that your ongoing discomfort, exhaustion, and deep sense of meaninglessness are not only normal; they are essential nutrients for the continued wellbeing of the economy. Without your daily offerings of stress, sleeplessness, and quiet internal tears, the economy would become fragile, insecure, and prone to mood swings.

While some of you have recently expressed concerns about burnout, rising anxiety, or the faint smell of smoke coming from the planet, we want to reassure you that these are all indicators of a vibrant and flourishing economic ecosystem. Much like a well‑oiled machine, the economy requires constant lubrication in the form of your cortisol.

Please remember:

Your wellbeing is renewable. The economy’s feelings are not.
The planet can regenerate in a few million years. Billionaire profits cannot.
If you’re tired, that simply means the system is working as intended.

We are aware that many of you feel that the miserable toil of converting all the earth’s resources into mass‑produced shit so that a handful of billionaires can own everything is an affront to human dignity and shows a deep lack of respect for our planet. Let us assure you: nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this process is a cherished tradition, and your participation is both expected and deeply unimportant.

A small number of individuals have also suggested prioritising “mental health,” “clean air,” or “a livable future.” While these ideas are undeniably adorable, they remain incompatible with your sacred duty to maintain an ever‑ascending line on a graph.

If you find yourself overwhelmed, please consult our official guide, Coping Strategies for When the Economy Needs You More Than You Need Yourself. It includes helpful techniques such as:

Practising gratitude for the opportunity to contribute your sanity to GDP
Deep breathing exercises (preferably indoors, away from the wildfire smoke)
Reminding yourself that the economy is very sensitive and would be devastated if you stopped working for even a moment

Finally, remember: your suffering is not in vain. Every sleepless night, every climate‑induced panic, every moment of quiet despair is a small but meaningful gift to the economy; a being far more important, delicate, and emotionally complex than any of us.

Thank you for your continued sacrifice. Growth depends on you.

Because if billionaires aren’t happy, what’s the point of any of this.