They're Not All Cheating. You Just Suck

I recently collapsed in rating from a peak of 1470 (holding steady around 1420) to the 1200s. I know I'm not the only one to get hit with a bad streak like this, but it is a devastating blow to my confidence and my desire to even play anymore. So what the hell happened?

Here's a little context. I'm 52. I started playing chess at 45. Sure, I played my whole life like many people do treating it as a board game in which pieces get slung around in wild, strategically unsound mayhem until someone gives up. In my 40s, however, I decided I wanted to actually learn how to play and to improve. Fast forward through the various coaches (none of which I could afford to spend more than an hour or two a month with), books, Chessable coarses, ChessDojo, tactics, etc. and I eventually made it up to 1470. My original goal had been 1500. Why? No clue. It was an arbitrary number I didn't really understand when I started. It just seemed attainable.

In 2023, I got as close as I've ever been to that goal, and I thought for sure my time was near. I really played some decent chess during that year. I could feel it in the games--spotting tactics, calculating extensively, winning slightly more than losing--hallelujah! But then something changed.

During the 2023 holidays, I didn't have time to play or to study as much as I had during the rest of the year. That was nothing new. I always took a bit of a break toward the end of the year. I put down my Practical Chess Exercises book that I typically spent at least a little time with every day. I put down the Polgar big book (IYKYK), I stopped doing 100 tactics a day. I thought, no biggie, I'll take some time off and when I come back I'll pick it right back up.

Jump to 2024 and please insert the sound of a spiraling airplane crashing to the ground in your mind for this portion. Long series of crushing defeats. Analyses showing 1350s playing like 2200s. Messages from chess.com restoring points to me and shutting down opponents' accounts. Ah, there it was. Cheaters. Everyone was cheating. That's why I was losing. Not because I hadn't been studying. Not because I hadn't been doing my tactics. It was them not me. I should've known.

That was the darkest period. It was a time when I hated chess. I hated it because after all these years it turns out I don't have any natural ability for the game--I am not The One as it turns out. The frustration of realizing that even a couple of months away from the game means sliding back down to the skill level of a monkey and not a particularly astute one. On top of it all, the chess world is overrun with cheaters and there's no way to ever really get to my goal. I wanted to close my account and leave it all behind.

As with many epiphanies, the light only comes on when we are in the darkest areas. My epiphany wasn't a sudden turn-around that catapulted me back to my previous rating or more importantly the small amount of skill and knowledge I'd accrued in the past 7 years. The revelation was boring and annoying and completely cussing obvious. It was reflection and introspection and analysis. Oh god, really?! More of that? Why can't I just enjoy playing this stupid game and play it reasonably well without it crushing my spirit?

I have no answer for the last one, but I can answer the first one--really?! Yes, really. So on a day when I was feeling pretty positive about life in general, I started going back over my games AGAIN. I always go over them. I never stopped that. What I hadn't been doing, though, was giving it the same intention as I had in the past. I burned through the computer analysis to confirm my opponent had been cheating, and that I wouldn't have blundered all those pieces had they not been playing unfairly.

I put myself back into those games mentally. I replayed them instead of just watching the computer move the pieces and show me the mistakes. Holy cuss, I remember thinking in less congenial, Andersonian terms. I never checked for safety beyond the most obvious structure of pieces (Dan Heisman's voice chastised me in my mind). I wasn't calculating my moves and various permutations of my moves. I was seeing a move I liked and making it. Finally, I wasn't calculating my opponents' moves at all. Not at all. What the cuss happened to my brain over the holidays?

So there it was. As I reviewed game after game I saw them as unfamiliar as if they had been played by someone else. Sure, I recognized the results, but absolutely none of the thoughts because I never thought about the things I should have while playing. I was back to being a kid with a board game. Playing just to play and without intention. I decided to play a few games after realizing this for no other reason to think about that specific fact while playing. Sure enough, in the games, I was ready to move without doing the math. I was ready to move without knowing what my opponent was working toward. I just wanted to move and hope to find mistakes by my opponents. My brain had just stopped doing all the things I had been developing over the years to train it to do.

Okay, now that I understood the real problem, I could try to address it properly. I'm still trying to understand why my brain has gone on hiatus. Laziness? Frustration? Exhaustion? Had I just grown tired of chess and the tremendous amount of work it takes to play even reasonably well? Had I lost inspiration? Yes. To all of that, yes. I think I might have heard someone say once, chess is hard. Yeah, it really is, and on so many more levels than just learning a few tricks or openings and going at it.

So over the last couple of days, I've slowed down and tried to ignore the clock as much as I can and spent more time really thinking, calculating, observing. I've returned to my practice of doing around 100 tactics a day (custom ratings between 1500 and 2200). I played a 45+45 game to give myself time to do a proper deep think.

I've clawed back a few rating points but nothing to celebrate over. My game analyses have shown better play even on games I've lost. I'm not on a fast track to 1500, but I feel like I've at least stabilized the vehicle after the monumental derailment. I'm still stunned at the high level of chess being played by 1300s--at least according to the computer analysis. I don't understand how they do it. It's like all rating levels have been compressed down so skills are mastered at much lower ratings than they were previously. Seems logical given all the resources available and huge chess boom that's been happening since 2020. Are some of them cheating? Sure, nothing can really be done about that, but it's not everyone. It's likely not even close. I have to not care about that. I have to accept that it exists and play anyway. Calculate anyway. Check for safety and spend the mental energy on my opponents' moves anyway. That's how I'll get to 1500 this year.