Chess.com has finally given in to the temptation of viral cat videos, cute eyes, and meow meow meow and launched five new cat bots. Scaredy Cat, Angry Cat, Mr. Grumpers, Catspurrov, and Mittens are bots apparently based on internet cat memes.

Or in Catspurrov's case -

No disrespect to Kasparov, of course. One of my favorite players and one of the greatest of all time. Just funny kittenated.

Let's see how good these cats are... I don't think I'll have a problem with the first four, but from what I've heard about Mittens so far, I'm more than nervous.

Scaredy Cat

If I purr and act cute, will you let me win?
Nice and slow...

- Scaredy Cat

...no. But I have some milk.

Sorry ~

How scary can I be? Try having seven horses running at you full speed.

...I had to go do something for my mom and that's where I left off for the day.

Chess.com's coach's comments were hilarious with the game as context. And somehow...

I am so proud of myself. Honestly, Scaredy Cat plays like any other 800 bot in my opinion. You just have to wait and they'll blunder the game away.

Angry Cat

*hisses* Chess bad, relaxing good! Meow.

- Angry Cat before every game

I find this relatively reasonable at times.

*hissing* No! Let's play again!

So now you want to play ~ 

Mr. Grumpers

I'd rather be playing with the box where the chess pieces came in, but I guess we can play chess, too.

Catspurrov

*Hissing Noises*

- Catspurrov while losing after I play the Bongcloud

I found cats are very fond of Bongclouds.

I can make a sophisticated move!

- Catspurrov after sacking a rook to delay mate

Again, these bots just give away pieces eventually. Every 200 points between them probably corresponds to 2 more moves before they blunder.

Finally... the mysterious Mittens

In the Chess.com news post about the new cat bots, they edited Mittens' description. Originally saying something like "Mittens is new to chess... But how good is she?" they changed it to "Mittens loves chess… But how good is she?" Probably because of the mass outrage and uproar raised by the creation of the first 1-rated bot and the mystery surrounding it - people were angry that they couldn't beat a "new" chess player and demanded that her description be changed to hurt their feelings less. Doesn't change the fact that she's just better.

Apparently, it's been said that she's been put up against other high-class computers and held her own. 

How good, really, is this furry feline with... those eyes... that stare straight through you... and deep into your soul...?

Meow, you must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Hehehe.

- Mittens

I'm already scared.

*ominously* All chess players eventually crumble under my mighty paws…I mean, meow! Hehehe.

I am furry scared. 

After doing a bit of pre-match research, it seems that Mittens is more than a cat playing chess. Eric Rosen himself said it's too early for accusations and he doesn't want to get sued. But that means he's kinda sus of Mittens ~

We have a new deep, dark, and evil entity emerging in the world of chess.

- Levy

Also Levy reacting to a move Mittens made (0.5 replay rate for effect )

like and subscribe if you'd like to see me make more videos... might try out YouTube more

what what what mittens no

My only chance is the theory that Mittens was programmed to be the strength of a player a few hundred rating points higher than its opponent. But I still have no chance. First I'm going to let my soul get ripped out in a game with no clock and then I'm going to try to see what the longest time control I can play it in and have a chance is.

I'm actually dying right now there's no way it let me do that. No no no no no. And that was with no clock. Mittens said as a draw, the prophecy must not be fulfilled. I agree. Just wait until the next game.

Mittens was like

I got my soul ripped out.

She had a performance rating of 2855. 96 accuracy at depth 22. No mistakes and one inaccuracy that shouldn't have been an inaccuracy. This bot is cheating. Mittens is using an engine. 

I played many more games with Mittens and lost them all. It's easy to win in 1|0 against a bot that moves so slowly, but in anything with a decent increment or above a minute and a half total play time, I still get destroyed. Every. Single. Time. 

What is says to you shakes you to the bone. This cat is evil. Demonic. An abomination. Monstrous. Wicked. Atrocious. Horrible. Repugnant. Disgusting. Repulsive. Obscene. Villainous. Terrifying. Vile. Scum. I hate it so much. 

I ran out of synonyms. 

BUT...

*drumroll*

IT DOESN'T LEARN FROM ITS MISTAKES. Not high-quality AI, because in a 3 minute game I played later:

Guess where we've seen that before. I'd be willing to bet that most times when Mittens plays the same first few moves against you, you can get that exact game. Guaranteed draw. Solved the matrix. Beat the bot.

But it's still disgustingly better than me.

Quotes

*cough, cough* Sorry, fur ball.

- Scaredy Cat

*hisses* GET AWAY!

- Angry Cat

Ok ok calm down

I don't understand why chess has horses instead of cats.

- Mr. Grumpers

A valid question.  

If only I could promote the pawn to a cat this game would be more interesting.

- Mr. Grumpers

indeed.

What do you call a rodent losing its balance? A mouse slip!

- Catspurrov

A true comedian, such as his idol, Garry.

You know, believing in myself might not get me anywhere, but I'm still gonna believe in myself.

- Levy the Wise

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long, hehehe. You are not long for this game.

- Mittens

You are not long for this game. Mittens is coming for you.

Meow.