playing chess again after psychosis

My manic psychosis—my third one so far (though doctors initially diagnosed my first two episodes as cannabis-induced psychosis)—lasted from around mid-September 2024 until roughly Christmas of the same year, meaning it went on for about three to four months. However, my previous two episodes were also manic psychoses, as they lasted far too long to be purely drug-induced.

During this episode, I experienced grandiosity, extreme energy, and severe mood swings—ranging from uncontrollable crying fits to feeling like "the greatest person who ever lived," only to swing back again. Once the episode ended, I fell into a moderate to severe depression, which lasted up until just a few days ago (today is February 15, 2025).

Even though I had the desire to do things, I felt like I lacked the energy to actually follow through. I still find it incredibly difficult to get out of bed, play chess (which is my biggest passion), go for walks, meet friends, or attend my chess club’s evening events—let alone look for a job.

However, today I managed to play chess on my PC for an hour and a half for the first time in a long while. This was only possible because I gave myself an intense energy boost—a rather unhealthy mixture of very strong instant coffee (three tablespoons, chugged all at once), Omega-3, B vitamins, and multivitamins. This "energy kick" gave me a temporary break from my depression because, suddenly, I had normal to excessive energy again.

I played some training games against Deep Fritz 14, the first chess program I ever used. Unsurprisingly, I lost all of them. Even though Deep Fritz 14 is quite old and nowhere near the best chess engines today, it is still far stronger than any human player—even on my hardware. This reminds me of the last "Man vs. Machine" match, where Vladimir Kramnik lost to Deep Fritz 10 on slightly weaker hardware. That match marked the end of serious human-versus-computer competitions, as it became clear that while human chess ability wouldn't improve significantly over time, chess engines would continue to advance every year.

Despite my losses, I then played a few games against weaker engines—ones I had a fighting chance against during my "healthy phases" between manic episodes. One of these was Shallow Blue 2.0.0, against which I played three games as White. In the final game, I actually managed to win.